You & I

Hope

The day was here. That one day you dread every year. You close your eyes and pray that its not going to be as bad as you think it will but it always turns out worse. Today was D-Day.

I woke up at 5:30 to soft whimpers echoing in my room. I took Duke downstairs and I fed and played with him, which kept my mind off of it for about 10 minutes.

It was hard to forget because my phone has been buzzing non stop since I woke up. My twitter was blowing up with people sending their condolences and saying nice things which I'm guessing was trying to make me feel better but it just did the complete opposite. It reminded me of her even more. I guess that's what I'm supposed to do on the anniversary of her death but I didn't. I wanted to forget about her so that the pain of missing her would go away. It sounds awful, I know but it hurts so much. All the memories from that day come back and all I can do is cry. I want to go back in time and change everything.

I sat on the couch and cradled my baby as i cried at the thought if Hope.

Hours past; No one woke up,  it was like the word had just froze so that I could hurt. I decided to go a walk through the park which was a bad idea. Because the pain just kept coming and the memories hit me of us walking through the park with Hanna as they would kick the leaves in autumn and make snow angels in the winter. They would play on the swings in summer and steal the flowers in spring. We had a million laughs in this park and the only sound I could here was silence. The thought if silence hurt. Everything hurt. Why did she have to die? Why couldn't it have been some disgusting human not my joyful little sister.

This park lacked joy. The whole word lacked joy now that she wasn't here, my beautiful little sister gone but never forgotten.

I sat on a bench by the swings she used to play on and held Duke in my arms tight. The silence that brought hurt a few minutes ago now brought peace to my mind until a loud screen echoed through the park. I jumped up in shock. I put Duke in his pram and started to look around. I could see a small shadow in the far distance infront of me. I ran towards it.

***

Those screams were Hanna's. She did the exact same thing I did. She woke up; No one was there then she decided to go a walk into the park,  the park where they used to play and broke down. Her breakdown was just more vocal than mine.

After she calmed down i took her home and ran her a bath. Niall still hadn't woken eventhough it was already 10:30am, I guess he was just keeping up on the sleep he has lost these past months. Duke likes to wake mummy and daddy up at 3am. Over the past weeks since i found out I was pregnant Niall has taking 'the night shift'.

Once Hanna in the bath and I had lut Duke down I went in to the bathroom and sat with Hanna (not in the bath) and we talked for about 20 minutes.

Every year on this day Hanna felt so guilty that it was Hope and not her, which then made me feel guilty because I think its my fault that Hanna feels guilty and then im pretty sure that makes Hanna feel even more guilty.

"When are we going to go to the mountain?" Hanna asked.

"Whenever really. After Niall and the baby wakes up I guess." I said.

She nodded her head and then looked at me trying to hide a smile. I gave her a puzzled look in return and shook my head and laughed. 

There was a knock on the bathroom door then it opened. It was Niall.

"errr excuse me?" Hanna shouted going deeper into the water.

"C'mon Han I'm not looking" He replied meanwhile I was sat in the corner giggling. Niall gave me a disapproving look then came over and kissed my head.