You & I

Miracle

"Niall I don't want to do it." i tried explaining to him I wasn't going to go through with the abortion but he just kept going on about it.

"But what if you die? I'll blame myself for the rest of my life.

"If this baby lives a full and healthy life I'm willing to give up mine for it" Honestly I don't think I am. I know I'm not.

"No Millie.  I can't go through with this.  If the pregnancy dosnt kill you it'll kill the baby and I don't want to get attached to it. We need to terminate the pregnancy." Those words I honestly didn't think would come out his mouth.

I shook my head. "no."

Niall got up and walked away. I was confused.  I'd have thought he would want to talk about this more until we could both agree that the best thing to do nothing.

Minutes later Niall walked back in to the living room with Duke in his arms.

"If you're not going to abort this baby for me or you do it for Duke." Tears fell down my cheeks. I never even thought about Duke. "Mills you know I don't want to go through with this but I'd rather have you than a little boy or girl growing up without a mum."

"You can find someone else Niall"

He shook his head "No.  There is no one else out there for me other than you. And Duke needs his mummy not some random women who I'm going to pretend I love" He said softly as he took my hand and kissed it. He then lay duke in my arms and left.

I looked at my 1 month old baby boy and cried. This new baby could be something extraordinarily but then so could Duke and i'd never be able to see that. I don't want Duke to grow up with anyone else as his mum but myself. I sat there cradling Duke for about an hour  until I decided to call Mum. we talked for about 20 minutes as she helped me come to a desision on this baby.

***

I was now 8 weeks pregnant and today was the day.

The car ride was silent.  We held hands and occasionally looked at each other giving the sympathy smile as one of us would squeeze the others hand tight.

It was foggy. You couldn't see the car infront of you. It was 5:00 am. The roads were quite.  We left this early so there would be no fans or paparazzi at the hospital, not that'd they'd know we were there . Although it'd be a good guess as im there so often. Only family and Really close friends know I'm pregnant. I don't want to break the news and get myself all excited if I don't even know if i can stay pregnant.

I went back to my cancer doctor and my baby doctor and they've been coming up with ways on how I can stay pregnant without it affecting me or the baby.

They think I can carry the baby for a maximum of 30 weeks so Niall and I are hoping I can do that and we can pray our little miracle gets the chance of life.

Everyone I've talked to told me terminate the pregnancy, but I can't.  No part of me thinks i can do it at all.

We arrived at the hospital and walked in hand in hand, keeping our hoods up and heads down as we make our way to the room we were told to meet my Doctors.

We waited in pure silence for 5 minutes until both Doctors came in. They sat down and looked at each other. "Just say whatever it is you're going to say". I said.

They looked at each other again then I looked at Niall. He squeezed my hand tightly and he nodded "it will be okay Princess."

"well..." Dr. Edwards trailed off. I motioned her to carry on. "We've done numerous amounts of scans and test that have tried to help us come up with a way that will make it possible for you to carry this baby." Niall and I nodded. "Unfortunately it has become clear that it's not possible without massive risks to your health or the babies "

"Such as death" Dr. Orr added.

That is what I was expecting.  I didn't think I would be able to carry my child.

"Will she be able to carry children again? " Niall asked.

"Once you're done with your cancer meds i'd expect yes. you're very fertile so I wouldn't think it'd be hard." That I guess was a relief. I didn't think I'd evens be able to carry anymore kids.

"So what do we do now? " I said.

"Well we wait for you to make the desision on wether you are going to terminate the pregnancy or not." Dr. Edwards said.

I shut my eyes and imagined Duke's life without me. All I could see was darkness.

"You don't want him to grow up without you mills" Niall whispered.

"If Duke came out perfect why can't this baby?" I said.

"Well you had you're last radiation session about 2 years ago?" Doctor Orr stated/asked.

"About that" I replied.

"Well the radiation affects your whole body including your ovaries. It causes abnormalities to some of the eggs.  Thankfully our bodies can get rid of these bad eggs within a few years, two normally. "

"I know that you told me this when I was pregnant for the first time." I  could feel myself getting angry. I didn't understand.

"Duke is a miracle" Dr. Edwards said.

"So can't i have a second miracle?" I questioned

"Having Stage 1 breast cancer and surviving it is a miracle.  Having stage 2 breast cancer and surviving it is a miracle. Getting pregnant A year after you've had the all clear is a miracle and that baby being 100% okay is a miracle. You're not going to get another miracle." Dr. Edwards said harshly.

"So I've had my share in miracles.  Let me have another one. If it wasn't for you two I wouldn't have had any miracles. Dr. Orr you saved my life,  twice.  Dr. Edwards you gave saved my little boy for what felt like a thousand times whilst I was pregnant. You guys are miracle makers, so please give me another miracle.  Let this child have a chance at life. If I miscarry I know at least we tried. If I give birth and it's still born then god wanted it that way but if we don't try at all we're failing. As Doctors you're supposed to give every patient a chance at life and i'm sat here begging you to give my unborn child that chance. I promise you if my health starts to deteriorate rapidly I'll alow you to terminate my pregnancy but please not now, not before we at least try."

Both Doctors and Niall stared at me for a few seconds before Niall stood up and took ny hand. "We best be off" He said simply and we walked out the dull room. We stopped and he took both my hands. "You are one hell of a women" He smiled then kissed me. we continued to walk out of the hospital then into the car. We sat down and he started to drive.

Eleanor said she'd have Duke as long as we needed so Niall and I decided we'd have some relaxing time for a few hours before we went to pick him up.

We chatted about everything. things from Planes to Kanye West to America to my sister Hope.

"So tomorrow we'll drive up to Scotland for the weekend. A nice relaxing weekend away from everything here. We'll go visit Hope and Duke can meet his Aunt" Niall suggested

"that'd be amazing" I smiled for the first time in these past few days.

"You're my Miracle" Niall said.