My sexual assault story

hey look another 3 am cry session

I am having another cry session at an ungodly time of night.
  On tonight's cry material I realized when I was like 10 hearing that people would starve themselves or hurt themselves sounded so terrible. I told myself that yeah what I am going through is shity but not so bad were I would do that or feel like that. But thinking about how for me that's now normal for me. It upsets me greatly and I don't know why. Like it was something stupid I told myself and I have no reason to be upset. I know it's normal now to feel that after all my shit so me being so frustrated with myself over it is so stupid to me. What's the point of being upset about something so small I told myself at 10 because I thought If I didn't think of what kayle did to me as me, then I would be fine no problem. But now like my entire life seems to just be that and I hate it.
  Also I am super upset at the fact that like I really wanna be open to my mom and best friend about how I feel and think about myself. I have told my best friend some things but I haven't really told her how bad it truly is. I find it hard to tell either of them because I care so much about them and I know they see me as a really strong and independent person that even though things have happened to me, I'm doing so ok it's almost like it didn't. I'm thinking I'm scared to tell them what I feel and think is going to change what they see me as, because yeah I show myself as what they think but I also want them to know I'm not that person and that sometimes I really need a break from being strong and stuff.
  I'm not even sure what I'm talking about or thinking honestly it's now 4 am, so I am very tired. Anyways hope yall like my cry session rant.