My sexual assault story

Why didn't i say no?

I feel like one of the most asked questions to us survivors is always why didn't we say no or stop. I remember when i had to talk to a detective about it he asked me that and i told him i don't know and to be honest then i hadn't because then i was trying so hard to forget everything like it didn't happen. But now that everything is coming back and I'm remembering alot of things i remember why i never told him no or stop.

  I was a kid i didn't understand fully what was happening or even fully that it was bad. I just knew i didn't like it and i didn't want it. But i just felt with it the first time i hoped and even believe it was a weird dream because he didn't remember what happened. But when it happened again i couldn't say anything i felt like i couldn't then. So instead of saying stop i prayed to God that he would stop that maybe one of our parents would come make sure we were asleep but it never happened. After some time of praying not helping i started to cuddle close to a body pillow i had and had blankets held so tight to me and i curled so small. I started to even wear less skirts and dresses and got more into pants and shorts. I never told anyone what was happening because i didn't want to know what the would feel or think. I was mostly terrified of my mom and step dad. I was afraid they would think I'm gross and kick me out and make me live with people i hated being with. So i never said anything and just continued to stay quiet and hope that at some point he would stop.

Looking back now i found feel stupid for not saying anything i could have helped so many people. I feel guilty for something that isn't even my fault. I feel like the bad person and not the actual bad person. I remember hating that question and hating it even more when i found out my mom was listening to the conversation. I do hope that sometime in the future we don't get asked that question when we day we didn't tell them stop because its horrible to ask that and then continue to blame them for basically giving consent when we really didn't.