My sexual assault story

Vent

I hate myself so much. Its really bad too. I don't even wanna look at myself anymore. I don't want anyone to have pictures of me. I feel like I'm really annoying and clingy. I probably am and my friends are just being nice and not saying anything. I feel like I'm getting in between my best friends and their relationship. I feel like i should just stop talking and hanging out with them so they can have a break from me.
  I'm scared to tell my friends that in starting to enjoy the pain i get from starving myself. I told them i wanna get better and get back to eating normally. But ever time i Don't eat i feel happy and the pain makes me even happier. They don't even know that when i eat i feel like they hate me. But when i don't eat they hate me more. I tell them and make them believe I'm getting better but in not and i Don't want them to know.
   I feel so unlovable. I know I'm only 14, but with everything i have been through im so weird and different. I do things and think things that make me push people away for a little. Then come back like i did nothing wrong. I feel like they don't actually love me. Its hard to even be around people sometimes. I'm pretty much one of the most impossible person to ever be loved.
  I don't understand how i have friends. Like why do they like me and why do they hang out with me. I don't like me. I hate me. So why don't they. I see everything wrong with myself and i feel like i find a new thing to hate everday. But they only see me as one of the best people ever.
  I never believe someone when they tell me in pretty. I'm ugly. I'm pale from rarely going outside. I have messy hair. I keep my hair up all the time. I wear hoodies no matter what season because i hate my hands and arms. I wear pants almost 24/7 because i have really big thighs and pale legs. I am just so ugly.