I'M ALIVE

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I am alive. I actually don't know how long its been since i last did this. Anyway i just wanna update and stuff about what's been going on. I also wanna say two things real quick. 1) thank you to everyone who has read this i know it's only a small amount but i appreciate all of it. Even though just you reading it doesn't do much it makes me feel better and i hope in some way this helps others. 2) I'm thinking of changing this books name. I wanna it to still have something to do with my sexual assault and everything with it i just don't think the name now fits. If you have any ideas please tell me.
  Now onto everything else. Lets talk about me and my mom. Since about a week ago of seeing that greys anatomy episode we have definitely been closer to my mom. And i actually not that long ago told her that it effects me so much more than she knows and how my step dad drinking all the time effects me. I also told her that i never felt like i could go to her about what happened i don't feel like she does. She does because another family member (not my cousin) went through what i did in a way. And my mom told me its not like she doesn't care she gets over things fast because she has constantly had responsibilities to do she couldn't just do what she felt like.
  I don't fully understand emotions. I can't explain it really. I can't explain it at all. Ill try to use examples. So i constantly tease my sister. To me its all love but to everyone else I'm being mean and i don't know why what i say upsets my sister. In 5th grade me and a girl i was best friends with we started to fight. Like actually hit each other. I didn't know or understand why we got in trouble why it was an issue because to me we were still bffs and that's just how bffs were. Keep in mind everything i remember about life just everything i don't know or understand emotions. So when i was being assaulted i didn't even know why and i still don't know why it has done what its done to me. Like my mom asked why i didn't tell anyone and i said scared because she asked if that was why. I don't know why i didn't.
   Lets talk about my eating yay. It's worse. Normally the only days i Wouldn't eat alot or like (i also say like alot) not at all would be school days. Now its every day. And this week I'm supposed to be at my best friends house for about a week. Normally its only two days sometimes three. But then i actually ate. Now im scared because i really badly don't want to and she thinks I'm getting better but im not and there is not part of me that wants to get better. And if I'm not careful her mom is gonna notice and if she notices she is gonna tell my mom. I just at this point in my life i wish nobody knew anything. I wish i didn't tell people my secrets.
  That's all i had to talk about for now i guess. I honestly can't say much about what i have talked about if there is things you wanna know ask i will answer to the best of my ability.

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