My sexual assault story

Disgusting

I just feel disgusting. It doesn't go away either. No matter how many times my friends have told me I'm not i really am. And it's even more upsetting because i don't want anyone to know what happened in fear they are gonna feel the same way and leave me. If I'm being honest i just feel like my friends are still my friends out of pity. Not because they actually care. Like this whole school year they have been so distant. Hardly talking to me and just never inviting me to hang out. They hardly respond to my text messages and haven't even realized i have left group chats. They don't even notice when I'm feeling depressed or not wanting to be touched. They completely ignore that all those jokes about rape and sexual assault make me uncomfortable and i shut down after hearing them. They never check up on me or even remind me of how important i am to them or that i am there until i finally do talk. Then its just the same thing every time. He isn't there its ok your safe. But it doesn't matter if he isn't here on my body and mind he is. It doesn't matter that I'm safe because i believed that before it started and then i wasn't. I love my best friends i really do but they just don't understand how i feel or what I'm going through and I'm getting really tired of the same things being said. Their solution to everything is saying sorry and knowing i will forgive them. Every time they come to me i always have something new to say i always check up on them after i always remind them I'm there for them and that they can talk to me. I always order hugs and barely refuse any no matter how uncomfortable i am. I'm giving them 100% and i feel like I'm barely getting a 50%