tears turned to ink

april 9, 2021

☯︎☯︎1:53 an

i don't love you anymore, i haven't loved you since i was 16 i haven't loved you since you left i haven't loved you since the last time you spoke to me i don't love you. i don't love the hurt you put me through i don't love the time you told me you would kill yourself for me i don't love when you tried to kiss my friend at my sweet 16 i don't love when you groped me in the halls i don't love the rumors you spread. i don't love any of the memories that are embedded in my skin or associated with my reputation and i especially don't love the things you've said to me that still live and thrive and scream at the top of their lungs inside of my brain. it's so infuriating and dehumanizing and nauseating to think about anything associated with you. curly hair and rock music. video games and the beatles. deadpool and apartment buildings. birthday parties and the city of glendale. my favorite band and my old friends. smoking weed and parties. growing up and being told 'i love you'. you took it all away from me. every slipknot shirt i see and every penny board i hear and every time i go to la my mind is pumped full of fear and flashbacks. times where i couldnt leave my room and needed you to survive. times i wish i could erase forever and times that i know are stuck to me. stuck on my skin and sewn into my clothes. all over my favorite stuffed animals and deep inside of my thighs. it's everywhere. it's not you that's stuck to me. it's the things you did to me and the image of me that you created that i cant rip off . i dont want to be left with any trace of you on me i want to scrub it all away i want to scratch off all my skin and sand down the bones you bruised i hate you and i hate that you live inside of me on days where i want to be alone. your name rings in my head like a tornado siren and pushes me around like it's my superior. i feel so guilty and criminalized when i think of the things youve done to me and the things that will never go away and never let go of the grasp they have on my wrist or my mouth. im so far past the stage of my life with you in it why do you follow me into everything good i come across. i want to me left alone i want your existence to be wiped feom my memory. don't follow me into my new love and dont make the intimacy i share feel tainted. i wont let you make me feel caged anymore. im pushing you back and forgetting we ever crossed paths. you do not exist to me and i wont let the marks you left define my future no matter how much damage you did. it's my turn to be happy now. i wont be the uncomfortable one anymore, it's your turn to be trapped in the invisible box, i want you to suffer. me and my lover will watch you struggle from the sidelines and this time I will laugh at YOUR struggle, this time IM in love and IM HAPPY AND I WONT LET YOU RUIN IT. this time i can smile wholeheartedly and laugh freely and be told 'i love you' and believe it. this time wi will be treated well and reassured in my feelings and this time i won't be stopped. this time i will be happy no matter what you do. this time im in charge and this time i wont stop feeling or being in love. this time im not with an abuser like you. i wish you the worst of luck until the day i piss on your grave. goodbye to you and all the hurt you caused, it's time for me to be free and happy and in love now.