tears turned to ink

march 19, 2019

**** 1:23 am
sleep
all i want is to drift off into the comforting darkness and memory loss that is sleep. the complete numbness and calm that i can indulge in at night. i want to fall into the darkness and cross over into my world of unconscious thinking and imagination that i call dreams. but i cannot. i haven't slept soundly in months. i haven't slept at a time before 11pm in months. i haven't found myself feeling safe enough to trust my room with keeping me safe during my slumber in months. i have not been okay in longer. it's been years since i haven't been exhausted. it's been years since i've felt rested enough to go to school in the mornings. it has been so long since i have felt at peace, but so little time has passed all the same. i am at peace when i sleep. whether i remember dreams or not. whether i have a nightmare or not. when i sleep i am indulging in a tranquility i wish i could experience outside of sleep. i wish i could feel calm enough to let myself shut down for the night and recharge, but i don't.
i don't get to sleep
all i want to do
is everything i can't
all i want to do right now
is
s l e e p

**** 1:30 am
all i can manage is to shuffle around under the weighted blanket that helps me to feel grounded and secure when the dark ink falls upon the blue sky. my colored lights don't seem to help anymore. the bright colors shifting smoothly into each other is usually so calming. so satisfying to drift away to. the sound of my computer fan running as i listen to the white noise that's flooding from my best friend's room to mine over a video call usually knocks me out. i feel nothing. everything is still. i feel like a blank page in a full book.
body
shaking
tapping
not calm
why can't i calm
i spend all day being paranoid and on edge at all moments and i can't get myself to sleep when it's the thing i need the most.
four hours of sleep isn't cutting it anymore. i just want to stop being exhausted in every aspect of my brain. i want to rest
i wish i could rest