tears turned to ink

january 4, 2020

。。12:37am

i have come to the conclusion that i fucking hate being mixed. i don't fit in anywhere no matter how hard i try or how much i change myself to fit people's standards i'm never perfect enough. i realized so long ago that i'm always going to be singled out in life due to my ethnicity and i try to fix myself to be perfect and fit into the white girl mold that everyone loves but i never fucking do. my hair is too big and my legs are too long and my skin is too dark. growing up i was one of 5 black people in my grade in elementary school, i was always surrounded by white people. i hated myself. i wanted straight hair and a small butt and light skin. i begged for a perm and eventually gave up on trying to fit in. i got older and got made fun of for the entirety of middle school for being whitewashed. I WAS TRYING TO FUCKING FIT IN WITH YOU. I STOPPED ACTING LIKE THAT AND STARTED TO BE "BLACKER" AND WAS TOLD THAT I SOUND GHETTO AND IM TRYING TOO HARD. i fucking stopped. i stopped being what people said to be and started being me and i still never had any fucking friends. i got into high school and three years in THIS IS THE FIRST FUCKING YEAR THAT IVE HAD FRIENDS. i try so fucking hard to fit in. i'm still the only black kid in my friend groups. i still get told im "too white". i still don't fucking fit in. my fucking mom is white. what do you want. do you want me to bleach my skin and perm my hair? then will i be what you want? i hate this skin. i want to peel it off and be a new fucking person. every fucking day im scared my dad is going to get shot because of his skin or that i'm going to be accused of stealing because im a mixed teenager or that i'll get called a nigger by an old white person. i live in so much fucking fear that being myself is going to cause me to be bullied again. i'm not allowed to like the music i like or dress how i want or exist in peace. there has not been a day that i haven't been scared to be me because of the race that i was born as. i fucking hate being black.