tears turned to ink

march 27, 2019

**1:06am

the reason i like sex is simple
i get to feel something
i get to know i exist. i get confirmation that my life is ongoing and that i'm not just a cloud floating in a never ending sky full of nothing. if i feel things i feel less meaningless, i feel like i have worth. almost two years ago was the last time i indulged in my own pain. i savored every second of it. i felt no sadness, quite the opposite. i felt nothing. my explanation for the self mutilation was so very easy to comprehend. i was numb
everything was
my feelings
my thoughts
my body
taste was dull
smells were faint
i felt as if i was fading
because i was
i was fading from life as i knew it. slowly but surely without a single eyewitness to tell the story. i was my only companion. i would soon be gone. but as i plowed through my flesh to reveal the rose petals within my skin for the last time i felt different. i felt no point. there was no point. i kept floating through life, each day gone by the time i took a breath. here i am now. i feel like a real person, i have a purpose. i am afraid, however, that my purpose is fading. i want to let the red waters rise from my veins once again to reassure myself that i exist. it's simple.
i don't cause myself pain, i gift myself with pleasure.  the pleasure of having worth. of being real