tears turned to ink

november 5, 2020

♠︎♠︎8:45 am

healing begins today. i thought i was healing all this time but i was still hurting, i hadn't let myself feel everything i needed to yet but i want to be able to live again. i am so tired of looking in my mirror and not knowing who i am, not resonating with what i see. i am so done with the never-ending bullshit that goes on in my head. i don't want painful chaos anymore, i want chaos in bright colors and flowers and blurry memories of perfect nights, but the hell i dig through every day is dark and sticky and grows larger without permission . it clings to my skin and goes down my throat and drowns me from the inside and almost nobody can calm this feeling. nobody but me. i haven't been able to uncover the truth of what hurts the worst or how i can help myself but i want to so badly. i will spend every day traveling from possibility to possibility and i will save myself. i will end the scribbles in my mind and replace it with love for myself. i'll learn to love the flesh that my soul was forced into because it is all i have. learning to love myself is all i can do to be better. learning to love my eyebrows even though one of them curves and the other is straight. learning to love how my nose looks when i turn to the side and how it crinkles when i laugh. learning to love my teeth and my smile, showing them off because i'm happy. learning to love my hands and how easily they make pretty shapes on blank spaces, even though they have caused me hurt, they can create beauty if i let them. learning to love the things i hate the most. the scars that cover my body and the soft indent in my hips. the gap on my teeth and the color of my eyes. the emotions i feel and the help i need. im doing this for myself but i am also accepting that i cant do it on my own, gardens need attendance . all i want is to be a pretty garden again. all of my petals have fallen and my stem is shriveled up and my leaves are ripped in half and wilted. i am pathetic. i don't want to be death anymore i want to grow, but flowers can't grow without help. they need the sun and the soil and water and love. i have all of those, i just need to show them that i need them. i want to grow and be beautiful and be colorful again. i need to heal and bloom so i can look up at the sun again. (hi to the sun, if you're reading this, i love you.) and so me and the sun can help each other heal. dead flowers face the earth but i want to look up and be eye to eye with my sun again, and i want us to radiate happiness. as long as i have the sun i can do it, with their support i can be the version of myself that i deserve to be, the version of myself that i love. there will be days when i will droop and there will be days when all hope seems lost but that is inevitable when your brain is sick. i want to replace the dark in my head with bright light. there is a reason flowers grow towards the sun after all.