tears turned to ink

december 21, 2021

✒︎✒︎12:58pm

losing you is the most foreign thing i've ever felt. ive been hit and ive been bruised. ive been left and ive been alone. ive been manipulated and abused.
ive jumped out windows
ive drowned
ive flown
ive cried
ive hated living
ive tried to kill myself
ive lived
and then i lost you
and then nothing was bearable anymore.
i wish it was just a bruise or a cut or 35 pills down my throat. i've been there ive done that ive lived in hell since i was born and ive always gotten past the flaming words and hot knives that are being thrown at me. the caverns in my flesh have closed up and the organs in my body have gone black but i have never felt this dead before. in my world of dark and lifeless you brought peace. you brought light and love you taught me what it felt like to be cared for. your eyes brought me hope and your hands healed my skin and suddenly there was a method to my madness. i was doing nothing out of spite nothing to hurt myself nothing but trying to grow. trying to be better. you gave me a hope i never had a feeling ive never experienced and i wanted to live. i wanted to grow with you. we spoke of marriage and a family.
building a house
moving away
growing up
but we were going to do it together
i know everyone says that when they're in love and they're young but this was different. we were different. we weren't doing it to feel something and move on this was more than just temporary this was supposed to the one that mattered, and it was. it still is
just not to you

not anymore

i was comfortable i was happy i AM STILL IN LOVE WITH YOU. I AM STUCK IN MY HEAD THINKING ABOUT WHAT I DID WRONG EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. i did everything for you. i did everything you asked of me and then some. and you left.
one
two
three times
you pulled me around played with my heart you kept me coming back because it was only a game to you. all the i love you and the times you told me you wanted to be with me forever are nothing more than a memory to you now. to me they're a lifeline.
but this hurts differently than anything else
some days i forget it even happened, it's like you weren't here to begin with
until i go get dressed
and i find all your clothes
sometimes it hurts a little so lay in bed and listen to music
we liked to sing that song together
sometimes i just want to disappear i want to die i want to cease to exist
you were the one who saved me last time i was on my deathbed
you are everywhere
from the thoughts in my head to the clothes i wear to the friends that we share
there's no escape
when you decided to leave you took everything left of me with you
now i am just skin
just a body
there is no more of me without you
im sorry