tears turned to ink

october 17, 2019

*8:46 pm

dear self,
stop ruining things because you're sad. i know you're being forced to carve a path for yourself through stone when you can barely hold the pickaxe. i know you constantly feel hot hands in bad places where they should never have been. i know the ghost of him constantly follows you and makes you do things you wish you could say you hadn't. i know you're struggling. i know, but my love, anger and rash decisions won't help you feel secure. you are suffering. your head is filled with flashbacks and harsh words and internalized self blame. you feel like you're the root of everyone's problems but you're not, not everybody is fed up. you're the only one who's completely fed up with yourself. the sound of your voice rings in your skull for hours every time you mention him, but it's okay to not be over it yet. i know you've been doing bad things to distract yourself from the voices in your head and it hasn't worked out. love, i promise you it's okay, it's not all your fault. it's HIS fault that he took advantage of you. it's HIS fault that the ghost of his hands constantly dig their nails into your skin until they get what they want. you did nothing to deserve it. it's gonna take time but it will get better, you just have to let it. you have to stop doing things that you know will have bad consequences and you need to stop blaming yourself. you're not okay right now, and you may never be the same, but life will improve, just let people in. you can't do this on your own. stop putting up a front.