tears turned to ink

december 30,2019

@ 8:29pm

everything is boring. i constantly sit in isolation and reminisce about when life was exciting. i miss feeling like i live in a movie. it was a big screen blockbuster, it was amazing. nothing felt real, i was floating through time filled with color and laughter and everything was beautiful, over time, however, i have turned to a ghost. life is gray. i dyed my hair a multitude of colors and made myself brand new. three years ago i would have been ecstatic to be in the place i am now. no matter how often i am surrounded by an atmosphere of love and warmth, i am cold. my face is wrong. i don't smile. i don't love myself. i have never been more infuriated with how i look. i resemble a skeleton. i look dead. i feel dead. i look in the mirror and have the urge to fling it across the room and watch myself crumble in the glass. i feel like i'm in limbo. i am transparent and nothing has brought back the matter that makes up my existence. there's nothing wrong. i've gained the most amazing friends and i almost have a boy to call mine but it feels like i do it all out of boredom. i am unsure if my feelings are genuine or if i just want to have something in my life that excites me. i have an addiction to making distractions for myself. i shoot butterflies into my veins and feel it throughout my body for a little. feeling every emotion ten times harder, then the butterflies die and rot and i am left to be filled with corpses and the fear of existential loneliness and oblivion. my life turned from a dream to a nightmare and time just continues to pass at the speed of light. i thought time was supposed to pass quicker when i feel real, but since my physical body has deteriorated my sense of time has accelerated drastically and each day passes with a blink of the eye. full of boredom and gray.