tears turned to ink

june 6, 2019

**12:37 am

i feel lifeless. my lips form a straight line and the only thing i feel is boredom. nothing excites me but people, but i am alone right now. nothing that i love is making me feel alive, i feel like im a ghost confined to floating through this life in solitude. all my smiles are fake and my laughs are forced. this only happens in the night. in the dark hours of the day when i am alone and awake, i feel like a fetus. i feel like im not really alive yet and the new day will birth me a new sense of life. i wish it were as easy as falling asleep and waking up in the morning but even sleep is too boring. i try to relax and doze off and i do, but i wake up. over and over and over until i can't fall back asleep. i start my day at 1pm and end it at 3am. i am not healthy, i cannot take control of my body, all i can manage is laying down and reading, i hate it. i hate this so much