tears turned to ink

october 17, 2019 part 2

+9:08pm

me and sex do not have a good track record. all i can manage to do is blame myself for all of the things people have done and said to me. i let it happen, so i must deserve it. right? because a three year old who has no knowledge of sex can fight off her twelve year old babysitter when she "punishes" her for breaking a glass. i still remember it in detail. it must be my fault because a four year old can push away an eight year old boy when he takes her shirt and shoves her in a closet. i should have learned; i should have known something was wrong. a fifteen year old should be able to tell when a boy she loves is using her. she should be able to tell when her boyfriend is manipulating her into letting him use her body as his own personal doll. i am not a sex toy. i am not am object to be used and cared about purely for your sexual desires. i do not deserve to feel this dirty. this is a different kind of dirty. i can't wash it away. not matter how many showers i take i still feel your fingers pressing into my skin. it makes me want to strip my body of every inch of skin. i want to have me memories of you removed. i want to be able to love without breaking down every time i hear your name. i don't want to have to pretend that your energy isn't constantly radiating towards me no matter how far you are. i dont want to break down every time i see your face or hear your favorite bands. i don't want you to dictate my life anymore. i don't want to be marked as yours anymore. i want to destroy all evidence that your hands ever felt my body. my body was never yours but i still feel like i can't be touched every single day. i am talked about like a fucking pocket pussy every single day. i can't have male friends without feeling dirty. they all talk about how they want to fuck me or how my ass is fat or how my boobs are nice. i hate it. stop fucking looking down my shirt and stop imagining what i look like without clothes on. this body no longer belongs to me. it belongs to the minds of these boys who can do nothing more than see me as sex. i am not sex, i don't want that to be how i am seen. i don't want to feel so fucking disgusting every fucking day. i don't want to feel like whore anymore. i want this body to belong to me again. please give it back.