tears turned to ink

november 18, 2021

☯︎☯︎7:12 pm

there will always be someone better. no matter how hard i try to be the best there will always be better. there will be prettier. there will be smarter. there will be nicer. there will be more creative. there will be more talented. there will be funnier. there will be better. it hurts to think that my best will never be THE best, that i will always simply be a variable used for comparison. i will forever be a level to pass. i am filled to the brim with frustration and insecurity and fear. i am so scared to be seen as less than. to be the one nobody compliments, the one nobody is in awe of. it all seems so insignificant until i am the one being left out of it. because compliments and likes from strangers and not so strangers on the internet should mean nothing to me but they do. i thrive off of being praised, being told that people are proud of me. being told that im pretty. maybe it all stems from living a life of self hatred. from being pulled apart limb for limb and atom for atom, since the day i was brought into this world the very fibers of my being have always been commented on and ridiculed by the people who surround me.
i am too skinny
too lanky
too "flat"
too loud
too sensitive
too annoying
too short
too confident
too quiet
too nice
too mean
too everything
how can i be too much of everything if these are the things that make me myself
how can i hide every part of my personality that makes me less than. i dont want to be someone that people forget i want to be a lasting memory.
i want to matter.
i want to be pretty enough to matter. because really pretty girls are praised and cared for and reassured that they are enough and that everyone is proud of them.
maybe i dont care about the physical aspect of any of this, maybe i just want to be cared about as much as everyone else is.
i just want someone to be proud of me, even if theyre only proud of the body my being resides in.

even then, there's still someone better.
and i still won't be good enough.
still not quiet enough
or loud enough
or skinny enough
or nice enough
or mean enough
or confident enough
or talented enough
i still won't be anything greater than less than