Please Don't Go (The Story of Us Book 3)

Chapter 5- Hardships

A/N: So just a quick reminder before you begin this chapter, Amanda was raped and she has a history of molestation. As a result, she's going to handle this event a lot differently than some survivors might. I want to remind everyone that every person handles trauma differently and when you suffer the same type of trauma that you've experienced in the past, you possibly already know a coping mechanism that has worked and that may help you move past it again or it can make the situation worse depending on what it is. Regardless, I don't want anybody in the comments saying things about how Amanda isn't handling what happened to her right or that she got over it too quickly or too slowly because different people move at different paces and Amanda has exhibited in the past that she is very much an 'ignore the problem and it will go away' type girl. Just keep that in mind and enjoy the next chapter! ~Jess

TW: Mentions of suicidal ideations, thoughts of death, and mentions of sexual assault/rape

The first few days of being awake were easy for Amanda. Aaron had been the first to visit. He had spent about an hour apologizing for making Foyet go after her but Amanda told him that she didn't blame him and that she had heard everything since the swelling in her brain went down. Next was Kristen who spent most of her time telling her how glad she was that she had survived and scolding her for not telling Foyet that killing Amanda would really piss her best friend off. They both had laughed about that.

Derek had commandeered her next, spending his time assuring her that it wasn't her fault that she hadn't been able to stop Foyet because there were pieces of glass in her head and the doctors said the swelling of her head was so severe that it must have started during the fight. Amanda had told him that she tried to switch their positions but fell to the side and he said it was likely due to the swelling. This led to her making fun of him for trying to sound 'doctorly' and saying he was spending too much time with Reid. Derek only grinned and kissed her forehead, glad the girl that was like a sister to him was finally awake.

Next was Emily who skirted around the details of what had really happened to her and avoided bringing it up in case Amanda had forgotten. This means that the blonde didn't know that the onyx beauty had taken the rape kit report out of her chart. They mostly talked about how the BAU had been different without her there and how Amanda couldn't wait to get back to work to search for Foyet who she had learned was after her former sister-in-law and nephew.

Then JJ had come. Rossi was next. Tyler had come with both his parents that had flown up from Texas upon hearing the news. James stayed the night with Spencer in her room one night and then Lacey did the same the following night, confessing her guilt that Amanda quickly dismissed. Garcia came back on the last day after the rest of the team had seen her. She told her how ecstatic she was when she woke up and that she was so worried.

Throughout all of this, the only constant was Spencer. He would leave the room as visitors came and went but he always came back the minute they left. This kept Amanda's mind occupied. It wasn't until she convinced Spencer to go home and shower that she was finally left with only her own thoughts for the first time since she woke up around a week ago. Suddenly, it all came flooding back to her. She remembered what he had done to her after stabbing her, something that had been fuzzy since she woke up.

Amanda was familiar with repressed memories and she knew when she had tried to recall what happened to Derek and Aaron that her subconscious was repressing the memories. As they flood her mind, she's suddenly grateful as she is reminded of all the vile and disgusting things the Boston Reaper had done to her. She tries to shake these memories out and as she does, she remembers what happened after.

For the first time, Amanda Hotchner remembers dying. Despite having the faint pulse she had when the paramedics arrived, Amanda herself had already given in to the idea of dying and that was a scary thought for the blonde. She was no stranger to thinking of death and if things would be easier if she no longer existed, that was a common thought process when you grew up with a childhood like she had, but she had never thought of suicide since she met Spencer.