Please Don't Go (The Story of Us Book 3)

Chapter 13- Falling to Pieces

TW: Description of depression

Depression is different for everyone. For some people, it's so bad that they forget to eat and can barely get out of bed, and for others, it can be manageable. For Amanda, it had always been manageable. She was the type of person that never let what was going on in her head show. She made it her mission to ensure that others were happy, even as she was falling apart. The only one who ever saw through her façade was Spencer. He even made it seem like it was gone, but Amanda knew better. She knew that no matter how long it faded to the background, it would always rear its ugly head eventually.

The worst it had ever gotten was after her mom died. She had managed to hold it together after Evan passed but once she lost her mom, the only person who had always loved her no matter what, Amanda shattered. She didn't get out of bed for months. She barely ate, barely slept. It was a miracle that she didn't have to work in that time because she probably wasn't even capable of working a phone. Then, one day, the weight that had been crushing her chest and making her feel as if she was suffocating wasn't as heavy and she began to get better.

Since then, Amanda hadn't really registered her depression. She knew it was there and as always she knew that, eventually, the other shoe would drop, but she was strong and confident and usually chose anger over sadness. But now, she had once again lost the fight she was always fighting even if she didn't consciously realize it. Amanda Hotchner was severely depressed and Spencer had no idea what to do.

At first, he thought she was just upset. It made sense, he would be upset if the people he loved more than anything in the world let the man that was more like a brother than her own twin call her a monster as if they agreed. So he gave her time. It started out as a couple days. He told Harrison that she had the flu and he gave her the time off. Meanwhile, Spencer brought her work home for her, and then they got a case. He tried to get her to come but she barely even opened her eyes and never gave a response.

That was when he knew something was wrong. He once again covered for her but texted Kristen to look after her while he was away and the moment they got back, he ran out of the BAU like a bat out of hell. When he got home, Kristen walked down the stairs will a grim look on her face after hearing the door. "She's bad, Spence. Really bad."

"What do you mean?" He asked, worry taking over him completely.

"I mean that she depressed, really depressed. More depressed than when her mom died. She didn't eat the whole time you were gone."

"I've been gone 5 days," he said worriedly but Kristen just nodded with a somber expression.

"You have to call somebody. Somebody that will come here and not her therapist. She's on David Rossi's payroll and Amanda won't want anybody to see her like this." Spencer had agreed and looked until he found somebody. He had plenty of money saved and he would spend it all if it meant that Amanda got better. Sadly, it didn't. The therapist they hired told them what they already knew, that she had severe depression. The only time they got any kind of reaction was when Dr. Cavanaugh had tried to prescribe her anti-depressants. She said they made her feel off and affected her thinking.

Kristen had argued that she wasn't thinking by just laying in bed all day and Amanda had completely shut down. That had caused Kristen to feel guilty and refuse to let the therapist prescribe them as Amanda wouldn't take them anyway. They had tried to get her to do anything but all they managed in the three months since the incident had happened was getting her to leave her house and go to Spencer's apartment and back. Things might have been easier if her absence hadn't been so long but the flu doesn't last for three months and Hotch was beginning to ask questions. It wasn't until the day Kristen stormed into the office that he found out.