Please Don't Go (The Story of Us Book 3)

Chapter 17- A Return To Normal

Spencer's P.O.V.

It's been two months since Amanda got back to work at the BAU and she seems completely back to normal. If I hadn't been there four months ago to see just how bad she had been maybe I could forget that it had ever happened like everyone else on the team. As it is, I can't. I know that Amanda is strong, believe me--I do--but I was terrified that I was going to lose her to her depression and I can't help but worry that something will trigger her again.

The work we do had never really worried me that much before. I had gotten nightmares at one point and then there was everything with Tobias Hankle, but I never worried about Amanda. She always seemed so above it all but now every case we work, I get scared it will set her off. I find myself paying more attention to her than the details of the case. This isn't anything new as I typically spend most of my time both with and away from her in awe of the fact that she loved me back, but now I keep my focus on her in a bad way.

This is why I have decided that I am going to stop. I'm going to relax and trust that Amanda will be okay. She's trying to go back to normal and I know that my worry is impeding that. She would never say it because she loves me but I can see the exasperation in her eyes when she catches me scrutinizing her after something awful happens in one of the cases.

So I'm going to try to 'chill out' as Morgan told me. I know Amanda and I trust her. More importantly, I can tell when she's hiding something so this task will be easy or so I keep telling myself in hopes of being right.

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I was wrong. I was so horrendously wrong that if there were a world record for something that someone was most wrong about, I would hold the record. I thought it would be easy to loosen the metaphorical reins on Amanda. She was doing so well and was completely back to her normal peppy self. All the signs pointed to her being okay. Or maybe I just wanted things to go back to normal so badly that I ignored the red flags.

Whatever the truth, today was the absolute worst day to decide that I was going to stop worrying about her and I knew it as soon as JJ began the presentation on the case. There have been about six suicide, two a Friday for three weeks. I agree that something is suspicious and I know that it's necessary to help these teens but I can't help but worry about Amanda.

I try to put these worries out of my mind as we board the jet and I almost succeed until Hotch starts talking about the case again. We're just going over the case facts when JJ speaks up.

"Yeah, but the most common don't exist here," she begins in answer to my comment about the week leading up to suicide being telling. "There's no prior attempts, no period of deep depression." I glance at Amanda quickly but she's focused on JJ, which makes me frown as I try to figure out what she sees that I don't.

"No withdrawal from family members," JJ continues. "No spontaneous proclamations of love."

"Spontaneous proclamations of love?" Emily cuts in.

"It happens with people who feel guilty that they will be leaving their family members behind," Amanda responds and JJ snaps her gaze to her. "It's a lot more common than you think but most people don't take it into account. It usually accompanies the distribution of important belongings to family and friends. But JJ is right. There's no report of any such things from any of these kids. And Spence I'm not on the edge of an emotional breakdown so please stop gripping my arm so hard."

I look down and realize that she's right. In my worry for her knowledge on suicide that I know she has from her training and not from research so she could commit the act, I had taken hold of her arm. I didn't even notice that I had grabbed it or that I was holding it tight enough to leave nail marks. Noticing this, I let go and mutter an apology. She pats my arm gently before turning back to the conversation that continues until we land.