Hate To Love You... (Hawks/Keigo Takami x Reader)

Chapter 60

Ever since I was a teenage girl, the thought of having a child scared me. It's not that I never wanted children. I've wanted children since I was little but as I got older, the thought of being a mom seemed too intimidating. It's just the thought of having a human being dependent on you for most of their life and the rest of yours was frightening. They looked to you for comfort. When they wanted food, they go to you. When they want affection, they'll go to you. To them, you have all the answers. To them, you can do no wrong. To them, you're practically a god. You feed them, you bathe them, you keep them happy. It's an endless cycle.

Not only that, but the whole pregnancy thing is petrifying too! The morning sicknesses. The mood swings and the food cravings that are so wild and crazy that they're unimaginable. The painful labour. You hear so many scary stories about losing your teeth, gaining so much weight that you'll never lose it again, losing bladder control and even haemorrhaging so bad that you'll never have sex the same way again. All of that for one small human that is attached to you for all eternity.

Some say it's worth it. Some say it isn't.

Personally, I don't know how to feel about the whole thing. My mother has dreamed her whole life of being a grandmother. She wants to do the cliché making cookies and sneaking candy to the future grandchildren. She wants to spoil them rotten, give them so many presents and make them happier than ever. It's been her lifelong dream to spoil her grandchildren and she may be able to do that soon. Amai's relationship status is still up in the air but she has thought about adopting some children.

However, me on the other hand, could potentially have a baby...

For a couple of months, Keigo and I have been trying for a baby. I have to admit, it's been harder than we thought. There's so much to think about. I have to wean off the birth control pill. Make sure I eat certain foods to try and help, although I just think it's people talking out of their ass. Trying to calculate ovulation periods and times where I'm menstruating is hard enough. It's so difficult to try and conceive a baby. It's not all sunshine's and rainbows... plus; we need to make it like having sex isn't a chore. We don't do it daily (I don't think I could do it).

This is the last attempt before Keigo and I go get tested for infertility. We've been trying for months and nothing has happened. We just wanted to make sure that everyone was okay, so we promised ourselves that this test will be the final one before we go to a clinic if it's negative. It could be nothing. It just be that I'm miscalculating my ovulation period and maybe my periods could be irregular. Maybe we need to take medication or maybe we need to consider another route. We don't know.

However, recently, I've been feeling a lot different than normal. Migraines have surfaced more often than not and certain smells make me slightly nauseous. My breasts have become a little sore too... it's a combination of feelings that I just need to get checked out if I'm not pregnant. I've googled pregnancy symptoms and I've even asked my mother about it. It's a possibility.

I'm just hoping that this is finally it.

So here I am. Waiting in the bathroom with the timer slowly counting down from the waiting time that's been recommended by the pregnancy test box. Time going as slow as it wants while I click my tongue. My eyes staring at the marble white paint adorning the walls while I take a deep breath and pray to anyone that will hear it. This has to work. Not because that I really want a baby but because I want this so badly for Keigo. He'd be a great dad. He really would. He deserves a child...

As the timer on my phone sounds off, I take a deep breath. Mentally preparing myself for the worst possible outcome. I couldn't expect it to be a positive test. I can't force myself to be hopeful after I've had many negative tests after negative tests. Don't be too hopeful. What will be, will be. Becoming pregnant isn't the only way I can have a child. Keigo and I desperately want a child but we can always adopt, surrogate or even go through insemination through a sperm donor. There's always other options.