Promise. (Manthony)

Fourteen

     I snort the substance off my nightstand table. Breathing in deeply and enjoying the burning sensation that clouded my nose. I smile as I wait for the world to become easier to cope with. I knew I was fucking up even worse. I was doing this for few moments of pure bliss that I was given. I laugh to myself as I knew I was going to hate myself in the morning.

Did I think it was worth it? Absolutely.

I fall back onto my bed. My mind going fuzzy and everything around me suddenly becoming euphoric. I stare up at my ceiling. All of my memories clashing together. My body feeling like it would be able to fly if I tried. I kick my shoes off. It seemed I had done it quietly in my head, but I most likely didn't.

I force myself to lift my legs onto the bed and lay down properly. I smile as the memories of Mitchel and I took over the other pointless memories I was suddenly thinking of.

     "I have a secret." I tell Mitchel as we lay on his bed. We weren't too far apart but far enough to where we would "accidentally" touch each other if we moved.

"Really? What is it?" He asks. I giggle. Rolling my eyes at him. "It wouldn't be a secret if I told you now would it?" He giggles as well. A smile spread across his face. I loved that smile. And I loved that I was the one who caused it.

"I'm your best friend. You can tell me!" Mitchel rolls on to his side so he could face me. I roll over as well. Our faces are so close.

"I like someone." I admit. He smirks at me. "Who? Tell me!" He begs. The excitement in his eyes made my heart melt. "Please! You know you can tell me anything." He tries again. I smile at him.

"I don't know..." I trail off. "Do I know them?" He questions quickly. My smile fades. We stare into each other's eyes. Different thoughts within our heads. "You might." I reply.

"Someone from school?" He continues. I shrug. Mitchel groans as I was making this difficult.

A piece of hair falls in front of his face. Automatically I move it out of the way. Tucking it behind his ear. A soft blush appears on his face. "Sorry...it's a habit." I tell him. I quickly move my hand away. Feeling embarrassed by my action.

"I didn't mind." He says quietly. We look at each other with curiosity in our eyes. I was falling harder and harder each day that went by. My heart was longing for Mitchel's to love mine back. 

"Promise you won't be mad?" Mitchel makes a confused face. "Why would I be mad?"

"I don't know. But I'll tell you if you promise you won't be."

"Okay...I promise I won't be mad." He says. Sticking out his pinky finger. I stick mine out and ours connect.

I take a deep breath. "I like..." I stop for a second. Admiring the way Mitchel waited for me to respond. "I like you." I mumble. He immediately looks at me. I begin to panic. Afraid he would flip out on me and tell me to get out.

But he doesn't. "Y-you like...me?" He asks. He looked a bit shocked. I couldn't tell if that was good or bad.

"I'm sorry if that makes you uncomfortable...I swear I didn't mean to." I blurt out.

"It doesn't! I promised I wouldn't get mad...I wasn't expecting it is all." I breathe a sigh of relief.

"I have a secret to tell you now." Mitchel smiles at me. "What is it?" I ask. His face becomes red as I saw the embarrassment radiate off of him.

He lays back on his back. Staring up at the ceiling to avoid looking at me.

"I like you too." He whispers. It was like music to my ears. My heart flip flopped. A smile broke out on my face. My world came together. My missing puzzle piece was put back in place. Everything I ever wanted was given to me in the matter of seconds.

I reach my hand out. Placing it on the side of his face and forcing him to look at me. He lays back on his side so our faces were only an inch apart. "Say it again...to my face." I plead. His hand reaches my face. Cupping it as well and looking straight into my eyes.

"I like you."

     I blink a few times. My hand caressing my bed as if it were Mitchel's face. I frown. It had felt so real. But it wasn't. It was just a memory I had cherished so carefully. He wasn't here. He wasn't looking at me. He wasn't admitting he liked me. He was somewhere else. Not thinking of me. I was non-existent anymore.

I had fallen so deeply at a young age. He was the first person I had felt completely comfortable with. I could be myself. I could tell him anything and everything. He was my person. But I wasn't his.

My head spins and causes me to hallucinate as I picture Mitchel laying in front of me. The same way he did when I was sixteen and he was seventeen. What I would do to go back and feel that moment one more time.

I'd do anything.

I loved that we were together but I hated myself for saying anything at all at the same time. We became even closer after we broke up but there was always some sort of emptiness between us. No other relationship amounted to what I felt with Mitchel. The hugs weren't the same. The kisses weren't the same. And neither was the intimacy.  Nothing was.

No matter how hard I tried to force myself...they weren't Mitchel. I was painfully in love with him. Every little thing he did made me fall harder. I had never known it was possible to love someone so much. I had always thought it was something people felt in movies.

I kept falling in out of reality. My heart feeling like it was bleeding out love as if it were nothing. I was losing myself as I kept my love for Mitchel hidden. It was eating me alive. Breaking me apart. But what could I do?

I had promised I didn't like him anymore.