Promise. (Manthony)

Five

     I glance up from the notebook I was writing song lyrics in. My eyes catch Mitchel focusing on a video he was watching. I couldn't hear what the video was about since he had his AirPods in, but he seemed interested. I wanted to smile, but I forced myself not to.

We hadn't spoken about what happened that night in the club bathroom. I was tempted to bring it up, but it didn't seem right. It hurt to keep it bottled up inside, but there was nothing else I could do.

I shake the feeling away and look back down at my notebook. I had written one sentence in thirty minutes:

Go ahead, tell me I'm to blame

I cock my head at the random sentence I had written. The longer I stared at the words, the blurrier they became, and the more I was tempted to erase them. They felt stupid now.

I hold the bottom of my pen between my teeth, occasionally biting down harder as I racked my brain for more lyrics.

     I look up again. My eyes catch Mitchel's. His cheeks noticeably turn a light shade of red. I smirk at the reaction and look away again. I mentally yelled at myself for the smile that formed on my face. My phone buzzes in my pocket. Knocking me out of my thoughts.

It was from Mitchel. All it read was "hi," but it made me smile again.

We look at up at the same time. We were smiling at one another. I reply with a hi back. A few seconds later, he sends "hello" in response. I roll my eyes at this.

Do you need something?  I reply with. We were only five feet apart in our living room. Texting me was weird, but I couldn't complain. We were interacting which was good enough for me.

Mitchel responds with a simple no.

I closed my notebook as I could tell today wasn't the day for any new brilliant lyrics.

As I get up, I contemplate talking to Mitchel. I was feeling giddy—a feeling I wasn't used to feeling.

     "Wanna rehearse Swim with me?" Mitchel asks. He forces me to stop walking and look down into his eyes since he was still sitting down.

"Yeah, why not." He gets up. The both of us walked in silence to the studio that we had all built in our home. No one else was home but us, which I was happy about. We hadn't spent time together in so long I was beginning to miss it, especially since Jordan was always around.

My eyes widen when I think about Jordan. I had forgotten about them breaking up. I felt bad for taking advantage of Mitchel's vulnerability.

"Idiot," I mumble.

"Sorry?" I clear my throat and wave Mitchel off. "Just thinking. I'll set up the mic for you." He nods in return. I plug in a few things and set up the computer as Mitchel responds to a text he had gotten.

"How have you been?" Mitchel asks. "Not bad. I've been trying to write a few songs." I admit shyly. I wasn't sure why we were making small talk this way, but I assumed he felt awkward about everything.

"Can't wait to hear them." He smiles. My heart melts at the sight of it, primarily since it was directed towards me.

"Y-yeah," I stutter. I hated how this stutter appeared whenever I spoke to Mitchel. It made me look dumb.

     I hand Mitchel the mic and play the instrumental to our song Swim. His voice booms through the speakers. I watch him sing without a care in the world. The way he moved his body to the beat of the song. Or the way he poured emotion into his singing.

He seemed sad. I could tell a variety of things were bothering him, and there was nothing I wanted more than to comfort him, but I felt like I'd take it too far. I should be able to control myself but after keeping these feelings bottled up for so long I was afraid I would end up blurting them out if left to comfort Mitchel. 

My heart aches as Mitchel sings the bridge to Swim with a lot more emotion than usual. He didn't want to practice the song. He was singing because it was his comfort place. He felt that things might be okay. His pain became my pain. There was nothing more that I wanted other than to take away his pain.

"Can you play the instrumental to Numb to the Feeling? A bit rusty on that."

I oblige. Searching for the instrumental in our audio files. I click the audio.

A confused look covers Mitchel's face when the wrong thing begins to play. My heart drops to my stomach as I recognize the song. I panic and press several buttons, but the song wouldn't shut up. I hadn't been this embarrassed in so long. Perhaps that was a lie considering the other night.

Double embarrassment.

     "What song is this?" He turns the mic off and comes to stand next to me.

"Oh...uh...Apocalypse by Cigarettes After Sex." I trail off completely discomfited with myself.

He grabs the computer from me. Turning the volume up and setting the computer back down. I swallow hard. I felt like the world was about to end because of this very embarrassing moment.

Mitchel extends his hand out for me to take. I don't. All I could do was look at his hand as if I had never seen one.

"Why?" I stupidly ask. He rolls his eyes and grabs my hand himself. He moves the mic stand out of the way. The both of us standing in the middle of the room. Our hands are still connected.

A few seconds of us just standing in front of each other went by. We didn't say anything. We hardly looked at each other either.

"What are we doing?" I finally ask. He takes a breath. Gently grabbing my other hand. He rests it on his waist. Our other hands remain connected. He steps closer to me. My breathing hitching as I realize what we're about to do.

"Is this okay?" He whispers. His eyes stared back into mine. I nod happily. I force myself to make the first move and slowly dance as the song restarts. He must have set it to replay over and over. He rests his head on my chest as we dance together in silence.

My heart was overjoyed with happiness. This was all I had wanted since we had broken up six years ago. I wasn't sure why this was happening. I wanted to question it, but I was terrified that if I did, it would never happen again. I let my thoughts go and allow myself to embrace what we were doing entirely. I close my eyes as we continue to dance to the song.

I feel a tear fall from my eyes.

I had fallen so deeply and truly in love with Mitchel that I couldn't lie and say this wasn't messing with my heart and mind. We let go of each other's hands and hug instead. I hold onto him as we continue to dance. His hug lit a long-awaited fire in my heart. 

As the song begins to end, we pull away. Mitchel's face was wet with tears. I cup his face into my hands. His eyes closing in response. My thumb traces the shape of his lips. I couldn't help but smile again.

This. This was everything to me. He was everything to me.

"Fuck it," I press my lips against his. The song replaying again in the background. Our lips move perfectly together. I carefully slip my tongue into Mitchel's mouth. The both of us exploring each other's mouths. 

His lips were soft. Slightly chapped, but I didn't care. They were pressed against mine. And that was enough for a lifetime.

I pull away from him. Stepping an inch back. I was scared he'd freak out and yell at me. He didn't. Instead, he hugs me and mumbles,

"I missed you."