𝑃𝐻𝐼𝐿𝑂𝑃𝐻𝑂𝐵𝐼𝐴|𝙏.𝙈.𝙍+𝙃.𝙅.𝙋

|S O M E T I M E S|

—RIGEL FROWNED WHEN HE NOTICED TOM, WHO WAS GOING OVER A FEW PARCHMENTS IN FRONT OF HIM, LOOKING TENSE. He put the book he was reading down and asked, "What's wrong?"

Tom looked up from the parchments and sighed. "I knew this would happen, but— there's going to be a war."

"What?" Rigel frowned, eyes widening. "When?"

"I dunno— 6 months?" Tom shrugged, looking back at the parchments in thought.

"You're— you're going?"

"I'm leading my side of the war, so yes, I kind of have to." Tom deadpanned, earning an eyeroll from the other boy.

"I'm coming."

Tom's head snapped up. "No way."

"Yes, I am—!"

"Rigel, you're only 17!"

"Yes, an adult." Rigel pointed out.

"I don't care. You're not coming."

Rigel glared at him, but was ignored.

Tom tried changing the subject. "Have you eaten your pills?" He casually asked.

"I actually forgot." said Rigel with a shrug. "I feel fine without it, though. I feel like myself again."

Tom couldn't stop the smile growing on his face. "Ri, that's amazing!"

Rigel's lips quirked upwards. "Thanks."

••

That night, Rigel was on his bed, reading a book. His head was on his little sister's lap, who was also trying to read a book, starting to get the hang of it.

"Cierra, darling, that's no way to read." said Rigel when he noticed his sister holding the book upside-down, shaking his head fondly.

Cierra's eyes widened with awe and joy as she finally started understanding when he fixed it for her. "Yay!"

Rigel let out a soft chuckle, kissing her head. "Cierra?"

The girl looked up with a confused look adorning her face.

"I love you so much. You know that, right?" said Rigel with a small smile.

Even though things were starting to get better for him, he just couldn't shake off the bad feeling that something would happen soon. But it was just a feeling, so he tried ignoring it.

Cierra's smile was so huge that Rigel felt himself smile wider. She jumped on him, and hugged his torso, earning another soft laugh from him.

••

Rigel sighed, feeling his eyes tear up.

It was like this.

One day he felt like it was getting better, the next day— everything would come crashing down again.

The door opening caught his attention, but he didn't turn around.

"Rigel?" asked Sirius in shock as he sat down next to his son, who was looking at the fireplace with silent tears running down his cheeks.

"I'm not strong, Sirius. Not at all." muttered Rigel.

"Yes, you are!"

"Then why do I not feel like it?" asked Rigel quietly, now looking at him. "Why do I feel hopeless? I thought I was getting better... I'm getting worse, Sirius."

"You're not getting worse, Ri." Sirius said, pulling his son into a side-hug. "It just happens sometimes. To be strong, you've got to be weak first. Not even the stars can shine without darkness. And you are a star, Ri. You're my blue supergiant."

Rigel couldn't help but let out a chuckle, making Sirius smile. "Thank you."

They stayed in silence for a few minutes until Sirius asked, "Can you.. can you tell me how it feels? It's alright if you don't. I just want to understand better about what you're going through.."

"Sure." nodded Rigel. Then without hesitation, he started, "As many times as you all tell me you're here for me, I never feel like you are. I feel alone. Helpless, even. The feeling just never goes away. I feel worthless. Sometimes I even feel.. feel like I shouldn't be here. The pills make me feel like myself for a while, but it's never enough.."

"Ri.. I'm so sorry you have to go through that.."

"But sometimes it's alright." continued Rigel in a much more hopeful tone. "Sometimes, I feel better. Sometimes, I don't feel worthless.. Sometimes, I feel like I can do this. I can beat this."