Ashaangi in my eyes

2. Emotional roller coaster

Ashwin felt drained, physically and emotionally. His movie shoot was done and dusted. Like any other Karan's movie, they shot the movie day and night and he had to travel to shoot a day a week for CWC which he could have walked out of but he wouldn't miss it for anything in his life. About the movie, they are waiting for the post production work to be complete and targeting the movie release for Tamil new year.

I am both excited and nervous about my first movie as a lead. I think I have done justice to my character. Karan's movies are popular for the impact it makes on the society. Popular is not the right word. I cant think of the right word to describe his ideas. His movies are closer to reality than entertainment. Not just the story line, even the songs inspires the audience, makes the viewers question their actions and choices in life. I am lucky to be part of this production. It deals with a very sensitive social issue but I am glad I am not going to do the usual romantic chocolate boy role that the world would have expected me to do. I want the entire industry to watch my movies and appreciate my ability to come out of my comfort zone. But do I have a comfort zone? Right now, the industry considers me eye candy, even though I have a lot more potential to prove.

Ashwin had this baffled look on his face when he saw his only solace hop in happily.

The ashaangi fandom look at us as this perfect couple and are probably making themselves happy, projecting fantasies to make up for the romantic flaws in one's own life. I am sure when Sivaangi and me become a couple, we will have our share of fights and arguments. It's not going to be a bed of roses. But the belief that none of this is planned content and the dazzle in this girl's eyes is real is true. Sivaangi! The thoughts of this tiny woman makes me feel at home. While I am building castles in the air about my future with this beautiful woman, I don't know what she feels about me? Does she love me the way I love her? She definitely cares for me but is it love? How does she manage to read my mind? Will she say yes when I propose? Am I worthy of her? I am happy she doesn't go around calling me her crush anymore. But it worries me that she calls me her friend and well wisher and not her love. And most importantly, we haven't discussed the Tanu incident yet. I know Sivaangi hasn't forgotten that and is waiting for an explanation from me.

Ashwin looked at his heart's desire and his lips curled into a smile automatically. The bundle of happiness was happily chatting away clueless about the fluctuating emotions in his mind. It started off with thoughts about his first movie and like always, everything in his life right now ends with this girl. The otherwise wise man can't seem to accept that a 20 year old girl can't proclaim her love for him when this 29 year old grown up man has been extra careful about how they are being portrayed outside.

Sivaangi on the other hand was watching the conflicting emotions on this man's face. She tried her best to mingle with the crowd but her mind was preoccupied with this man who looked like a lost child waiting for his mother to take him under her wings. She sighed and excused herself to go put him out of the misery. While she walked slowly towards him, her mind was arguing with her heart as to why he has become the number one priority in her life!

What is Ashwin to me? It started off as a crush. Who wouldn't fall for this tall, dark and handsome guy who looks like this prince charming right out of a fairy tale?!! But there is more to him beyond that pretty face. Those captivating brown eyes speaks volumes. He did not have to be vocal about his feelings. I felt a deep connection looking into his eyes. Am I fantasising about this man who is never going to be mine? Maybe yes but I cant seem to help it. Do I love him? Hell no! He is out of my league! When average looking boys with no talent whatsoever made fun of me, my physical appearance and my voice, this breathtakingly attractive man with his prim and proper manners has never made me feel small. He has in fact listened to me with so much attention and appreciated me that I could be easily convinced that he is head over heels in love with me. But its easy for me to fall in love with this man who has been nothing but polite and respectful towards everyone. He is the only one who stood by me when everyone in the shooting spot mocked me. The man who usually takes the high road even if his opponent doesn't, challenged someone for the insults I faced. But I cant assume that it's love, can I? He considers me a good friend and a well wisher. I shouldn't put him in a difficult situation.

Sivaangi took a deep breath and put one of the best smiles reserved for her Ashwin.

Ashwin, enna aachu? Romba nerama thaniya ninnu etho yosikireenga. Enna recipe ah?

Ashwin smiled and shook his head at her belief that he cant think about anything beyond his work.

Onnum illa ma. Seri inniku ennaku enna paatu pada pora?

Ippova? Ungalluku enna ketkanumnu sollunga.

Whatever song comes to your mind when you think of me.

Sivaangi's eyes widened. Does he know that there is a song that she had dreamt of singing with him?!! Before she could say anything, they were called for the shoot.

I will sing for you during the break. Eppadiyavathu konjam yosichu enna pair ah choose pannunga please. Tataaa.

Kadavul setting! Sivaangi was Ashwin's pair again. When Rakshan and the two chefs questioned him, for the first time he accepted that he was really happy to pair up with her. Sivaangi was surprised and happy that he openly said that in front of the cameras.

As always, they did not win the advantage task. Its practically not possible with this little woman, but then who cares! She has been his pillar of strength otherwise. The song was forgotten during the break and he was getting out his shell and chatting away to his fellow contestants and friends. Sivaangi did not fail to keep an eye out to make sure he was happy and not on his own.

After lunch break, the shoot for the main task started. As a guest, they had Sivaangi's friend Sam.

I know that he is one of Sivaangi's best friends and I trust my girl way too much to believe in any of the baseless rumours on social media. But I felt a sudden pang of loss when she left my table and ran off to spend time with her friend. I am definitely not jealous but a sense of disappointment that she left my side. Jealousy has always been an alien feeling to me but with all the emotions in my head, I wasn't thinking right. I screamed for her to pick some ingredients from the pantry and I can feel eyes on me wondering what has gone wrong with me that I shouted at Sivaangi. I did not need any of the stuff I asked for but I needed to know that she was with me. As soon as she came back with the ingredients, I made sure I gave her work so she wouldn't excuse herself and go back to her friend. I was pissed off with my emotions messing with my head. I realised that I hated the fact that I can't be that fun person that her friends are. I hated sharing her attention even with Pugazh who I have developed a good friendship with, there is no way I am sharing her attention with this friend of hers. I feel territorial right now and I am not sure I like this feeling.

The chefs asked Sam to sing a song and Sivaangi ran off shouting that she was going to sing along. On any other day Ashwin would have been the most excited person to listen to her sing but not today. His annoyance was visible on his face but Sivaangi was busy discussing her song with her friend. She said something in Sam's ear and he looked at her surprised but nodded his head. She started singing but Ashwin's mind was occupied with such contrasting and confusing emotions that he did not pay attention to it.

I shut my mind and tried hard to focus on chopping this damn vegetable. I channelled my anger into the chopping and I groaned in pain as the knife slashed my palm.

Ahhh!

Sivaangi came running as soon as she heard me. I was happy it affected her. The emotional rollercoaster ride caused by this young woman!