It all started with a game

Chapter 4.1

Do not look for healing at the feet of those who broke you.
~ rupi kaur

A/N
I am so sorry for the first sentence.

Chapter 4.1
Ryder's POV
She came with my name on her lips.

The sounds made me cringe, pulling me back and reminding me of who I was and what I was doing right now. Reminding me that I was the failure who resorts to pulling stunts like this just to feel something. I hated when girls said my name during sex. It was just a sad reminder that no matter how hard I tried, I'm still me and there was nothing I could do to change that.

I pulled out, grabbing my boxers off the floor and slipping them on.

"What are you doing?" She asked, still panting.

I didn't even remember her name—Esme, Emily, Emery, something like that— and I wished she hadn't known mine.

"Taking a shower," I answered bluntly, grabbing a fresh set of clothes.

"Right now?" She managed to prop herself up, her legs quivering.

I avoided looking at her, the sight making me feel sick. I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want to think about what I had just done, as if I hadn't done it a hundred times before. She was probably the third girl this week.

"Yeah, right now."

"You know, when everyone said you showered immediately after, I thought they were exaggerating. I mean you didn't even finish."

I pressed my tongue to the roof of my mouth. "I've got a thing about germs."

"Ryder—" She said my name again, the sounds making me still. I pushed the thoughts down, the ones telling me I wasn't good enough and this is what I deserved. I deserved to feel like this. She continued, "your tongue was inside me, I don't think that's very sanitary."

I didn't need her reminder of what I did and I was about ready to throw her out of the house if she didn't stop. "I'm taking a shower." I repeated, hoping it would shut her up.

"Can I at least join?" She shook her breast in an attempt to persuade me.

The thought of showering with another person sounded repulsive. "You can show yourself out, I'm assuming you remember where the door is?"

I didn't give her a chance to reply, heading into the bathroom. I glanced in the mirror, my dark, sunken eyes staring back. I wondered if this was the same kind of self loathing people felt after they cheated on their significant others, or if perhaps they didn't feel anything at all. I wondered if this was the kind of pain she felt after she cheated or if she felt nothing at all.

I brushed each tooth individually, desperately trying to get her taste out of my mouth but it seemed no matter how hard I tried, it wouldn't go away. I didn't stop until my gums were bleeding.

The shower wasn't much help either, no matter how much I scrubbed my skin I couldn't get the horrid stench of my crimes off my skin. I hate sex. 

I dried my hair off, wiping a spot off the fogged mirror. But it didn't matter how long of a shower I took, there would always be a monster staring back at me.

She was gone by the time I got out, the smell still lingering in my room. I tossed my things into a small bag, not bothering to pay attention to my speed as I rushed over to Mateo's house. I didn't even have to knock anymore and instead used my key.

"Hola, Ryder," Mateo's mom greeted me as I opened the front door.

I grinned. "Hola Señora García." I kissed her on the cheek.