Spiderkid oneshots

You are always better

Requested by @Sylvanticx. Hope you enjoy!

A deep breath in. A deep breath out. As long as he repeats it he should be fine. He should be able to contain that thing inside him, threatening to get out. It was growing, but if he would crawl into himself, maybe it wouldn't have enough space to.

Tony had always been the best, never aspired to be anybody else, somebody better. He knew that everybody around him, wanted him for money and he had never cared. Until somebody better came along. Somebody who wasn't there for the money. Somebody who generally cared. And now there was something made of fear of abandonment and loneliness crawling inside of him. Because that somebody was so much better than him. That somebody was ready to do the right thing, no matter what it cost, sacrifice himself, and stand up for those in need.

And Tony was afraid, that the thing inside of him was right. That somebody would leave him. That Steve would leave him. He would understand that Tony is not worth his time and go find somebody who was.

But Steve couldn't know that Tony felt this way. What if the only reason for him to stay was the confidence, which seemed to be the only thing Tony possessed. For that reason, the man was crawled in blankets, forcing his knees against his chest and trying to take deep breaths in and out. Trying not to think about it. But today it seemed impossible not to.

Tony thought about everything that made him less than Steve. He couldn't make up for anything with good looks. He didn't use his body to fight, so it was week, and the blue light of the arc reactor shone over a clearly visible ribcage, restless nights had left purple bags under his eyes and surviving on purely coffee made his facial bones stick out.

And he thought about how every decision he made on his own seemed to be stupid, compared to the ones that Steve was making. And everything he did, seemed to be so much more meaningless than what Steve did.

Tears were streaming down the man's face. He forced himself to breathe through his mouth, not to make a noise. His boyfriend was sleeping in the room next to his and if he would hear, then he would come, and then Tony would be a burden again.

The monster was growing. Taking over the man's body, making it shiver and shake. It was hurting so much and the hug he was giving himself didn't help. It hurt so much he needed to scream, even though he didn't know why it hurt. He needed to scream, but he closed his mouth. Only after a while did the man realize that he wasn't breathing and took a short breath in through his nose. This one breath interrupted the regular pace of breathing, he could no longer resume. Loud sobs filled the room. The monster had taken over.

Steve was just about to fall asleep when a loud sob travelled to his ears. He guessed that it was the superhearing. Immediately the man got up. He knew where the sound was coming from. The room to his right, Tony's room.

The man got up, ran out of his room, barefoot through the corridor, into Tony's room. The only light was coming through the door. The only thing visible was a shaking ball of sheets and blankets. The man didn't stop but got straight to his boyfriend.

The monster was shaking him, and Tony was not in control. It was dark around him and he was suffocating on his own tears. It seemed that a heavy weight was put upon his chest and was squeezing it and not allowing to take any air in. The dark was more like oil, through which he needed to swim. And it was cold so cold. This was loneliness.

And then he felt an arm around him. He knew it was Steve. And suddenly the oil around him became air again and the weight was lifted from his chest slowly. It was no longer freezingly cold. Tony needed to feel safer, to feel warmer. He took the blankets off and fell into the embrace of the blond man.

The shivering didn't stop so soon, and the tears kept falling for some minutes to come, but with every second Tony could feel the monster shrinking, letting go, and disappearing until it was finally defeated.

"I'm sorry for waking you up," Tony mumbled, when the sobbing was under control. His head was laying against Steve's chest.

"I wasn't asleep yet," The man said in a quiet voice, "Will you tell me what happened?"

"It's nothing," The other answered without waiting, that's how he always responded, but it wasn't true. "I – well, I just went down a spiral of inconfidence and low self-esteem," a partial truth is the best he could do right now.

Steve let out a small laugh, without a sound, but it still made Tony look up in concern: "Oh, Tony, I didn't mean it like that, I just don't see what you should be worried about. You are the smartest and the funniest person I know. You have helped so many people and you are just gorgeous," following the last word Steve leaned forward and kissed Tony.

When they pulled away from each other Tony smiled: "I guess you're right, I am damn gorgeous!"