Avengers oneshots (Mostly SamBucky)

Nightmares we ignore

Sam jolted awake. He took his sweat drenched shirt off and threw it away. He began breathing through his mouth. In. Out. In. Out. He grabbed the water bottle beside his bed and took a few sips. He kept moving back and forth. He began to softly bite on the back of his right palm, it did nothing to soothe him. He brought his pillow up to his face and bit into it while screaming silently. The tears trickled down his face. He clawed at them with his nails instead of rubbing them away.

He was a soldier. Seeing death wasn't a big deal. Killing to save people wasn't a big deal. He did what he had to. Sam forced himself to smile. But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't hold the smile.

As an Avenger he had to kill a lot. But that doesn't mean it didn't hurt. Especially when innocents got hurt. But he chose to do it. It's his fault and no one else's. It's not like his hand was forced like Bucky's time in HYDRA. And he was doing it to help people.

He was used to nightmares but this one seemed unusually horrible. He couldn't get the image of the Flagsmasher being brutally murdered by John with Steve's shield. It was his fault. If only he had kept his insecurities aside. If only...

Knock. Knock. Knock.

Sam looked up. Bucky was standing outside the room. Sam forced a smile, "Hey."

"Can I come in?"

"Ye-Yeah. Come on in."

Bucky walked inside and gestured at the bed, "Do you mind?"

"Uh...no. It's okay."

Bucky sits on the bed and moves close to Sam.

"Can I touch you? Are you okay with that?"

Sam knew what Bucky was doing. He should say he was fine. He didn't need anyone to hold him. He's a grown man. He can deal with his emotions. Besides, Bucky's been through worse. His own nightmares are just stupid. Sam is strong. Sam doesn't-

"Sam, I want to hug you. Do you mind me hugging you? Are you okay with that?"

Bucky's soft yet firm voice broke Sam. Bucky wanted to hug Sam. Sam nods. He unfocused his eyes trying to hold back the tears.

Bucky moved closer and wrapped his arms around Sam. He didn't need Sam to tell him what was going on. Bucky wasn't a stranger to nightmares. That was why he was up in the first place. He figured he'd check in on Sam like he did whenever his fucked up brain decided to scare the shit out of him. He didn't expect to see Sam up and crying.

Bucky didn't say anything as he rubbed Sam's back.

"Why exactly are you hugging me? Is there something you want to talk about? We can talk about anything you want. I don't mind." Sam rushes out. He tries his best not to acknowledge his own pain. Maybe Bucky had another nightmare. Shit. He should have checked on him. Why didn't his alarm ring? He usually woke up around this time to check on Bucky. Why was he so wrapped in his own dumb misery that he couldn't concentrate on his partner who needed him?

"I want to talk about you, Sam."

"What? There's nothing to talk about me."

Bucky gave Sam a squeeze and replied, "It's okay if you don't want to talk to me, Sam. We can sit in silence. But don't lie and say you're fine when you're not."

This time Sam squeezed Bucky. He didn't care that he could hurt Bucky, not in the moment. Something about Bucky calling him out broke the damn in him and he began to sob.

All the while Bucky held Sam and gently rubbed his back as Sam's tears soaked his t-shirt.

Sam tries to stop crying but it's so hard. He missed the times he worked as VA councellor. He could talk to them. But he stopped that after he became an Avenger. He couldn't just show up like that there. Not anymore.

"I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm acting like this. Why.." Sam took a deep breath to try to stop crying but it was impossible for him to control it.

"Sam, you don't have to be sorry. You get to feel however you feel. You don't need to justify, okay?"

Sam nods as he tries to stabilize himself. They sat there like that for some time before Sam finally spoke up again.

"Do you think that I am the reason Steve's shield was tainted?"

"No. Walker did that."

"If I had just kept the shield. If I hadn't given it to the government. Steve trusted me with it and I..."

"Sam, Steve wasn't wrong to trust you. And like I said before neither Steve nor I understood the gravity of the shield being passed onto you fully. Steve had never seen race, to him you were just the good man who risked his life over and over again for him. I didn't fully understand either. I felt like if anyone were to attack you, you would be able to handle it. I didn't think about your own mind attacking you. This isn't on you, Sam. Not at all."

Sam felt a lot better knowing that at least Bucky didn't blame him. Sam cared a lot for Bucky's opinions.

"Why were you up, Buck?"

"My sleep schedule is screwed up. Slept extra in the afternoon." Bucky lied. This moment wasn't for him. He'd talk to Sam later on, but at that moment, Sam needed him more.

Sam slowly pulled away from his partner. Bucky let go of him and looked at him.

"Thanks. I needed this."

Bucky smiled at Sam's words.

"Do you want me to stay with you?"

Sam licked lips and looked around. He didn't want to be a burden to Bucky. He knew that he wasn't one, but he couldn't make his brain stop being an asshole to him. He knew that Bucky didn't mind holding him and listening to his pain and would never compare their traumas but his own brain wouldn't stop.

"Sam, I want to stay. Will you let me?"

It was as if Bucky knew what Sam wanted but had a hard time asking for. The changed phrasing made it easier for Sam to answer. Bucky wanted to stay. Sam wouldn't be burdening him. Sam would just be polite, right?

"Yes. You can stay. I mean you should stay." Sam hesitated. Bucky smiled.

"Gimme a minute." He walked out of the room and Sam waited patiently.

He showed up just a little later. He had hand cuffs. Sam raised his eyesbrow. Bucky shrugged.

"My metal arm starts to act wacky when I sleep."

"Oh."

Bucky quickly gets into the bed and cuffs his left arm to the bed frame. Sam was on his right side. Sam turned the light off. Even though they weren't exactly cuddling, and Bucky was in a slightly uncomfortable position, knowing that they could hold on to each other at any moment they needed it, was enough for them.

They fell asleep and no nightmares haunted them for the next 4 hours.