You Are My Wildest Dream

Breakfast Blues

As we finish up our breakfast together, I look up at Hannah and say, "This was nice," with a soft smile. "It was," She returns the smile and drinks the last sip of her mimosa. "Would you mind if I called my mom right now? Since I'm calm and rejuvenated from breakfast now, I think I'll be able to handle it." We laugh together, "Of course, but only if I get to say "hi"," Hannah replies.

I click one of the notifications from my 10 missed calls, and it barely even rings before my mom picks up, "Rowan, my honey darling, where are you? What are you doing? Where were you? I haven't heard from you for exactly 26 hours, 18 minutes, and 42 seconds. I was worried! I even called your sister—," "Mom! Hi, yeah I'm okay! I was on set for a majority of the day, then time slipped after dinner." I pause to look up and grin at Hannah. "I'm okay, and I'm sorry for making you worry." While still looking at Hannah, I see her rolling her hand to signal for me to continue. "...But, you have to understand I am working long days. It isn't always easy for me to call." I say basically with a whisper, fearful of how my mom will take this newly learned sentence coming from my mouth. "Oh." She replies, followed by a moment of silence. "Yes, darling, that does make sense. So how has your morning been? Are you feeling better about acting since we last spoke?" As my mom is asking me more questions, I see Hannah mouthing to me, "Can I say "hi" now?!"

My mind is trying to juggle both of them at once, while also trying to tell my mom that Hannah and I are good now, without saying that directly in front of Hannah. I reply to my mom, "Uh, yeah my morning has been good with Hannah. She's right next to me, she ordered me breakfast and everything." I say with a forced smile, trying to say as little as possible, as to not give my mom anything to branch off of to keep the conversation about Hannah going. "She better have ordered you breakfast! Actually, a whole table, and lunch, and dinner, and dessert, and groceries, and—" I cut her off, "Yeah! So how's dad? Is he getting excited for his show?! It's coming up quick. I can't wait to finish up here and watch the house!" My response to my mom warrants a raised eyebrow from Hannah, who has been watching my face intensely during the phone call. "Actually, yeah honey, can we talk more later? Your father is yelling at me right now saying he needs help with it actually. OH, and he says hi and he loves you! Okay, ciao amore!" The call ends.

"I didn't get to say "hi"," Hannah questions before I could even place my phone back down. "I know, I'm sorry. My dad needed her to help with his pieces that are going into a gallery at the end of the week. After we wrap, I have to go back to Italy to watch their house while they go to New Zealand for my dad's exhibit." She looks at me with curious eyes, "Oh, wow, wait, what? That's so cool. Your dad's an artist?" Hannah asks. "Yeah, he is pretty cool I guess." I giggle, then continue, "He's been a painter even before I was born. But, this show will be the longest he's been away from home too; he never leaves that damn lake, but I can't blame him, it's beautiful there." Hannah's face gets closer to mine, "You make it easy to imagine because I can see the sparkle in your eyes as you're talking to me about it, right here, in this lobby cafe." "HEY! The lobby cafe is pretty too, I hope you know." I pause then smile, "But not as pretty as you," I say swiftly and plant a gentle kiss on her lips.

"So, what about your family? I'm eager to hear where this enigma came from." Hannah looks away and stares off as she takes a slow deep breath in. "Ugh, you know, I love them, I do." She pauses for a moment. "But, we're not like... well... that." She motions to my phone, then continues, "And sometimes I wish we were like that, but it's too late in life now, it'd feel so weird." I rest my eyes on hers and say softly, "Like what?" She laughs, "You know, like that! You clearly all have so much love for each other and can express it. I used to want that more than anything else in the world when I was growing up. And, like I said, we do all love each other, but we express it so differently than your family. Like, my dad tells me he loves me by telling me which stocks he sold. My mom shows me by calling me maybe once per week? My brother, well, is a dude, and he's younger than me, so he's always sought validation from me." She looks up at the ceiling while holding back tears that are welling in her eyes. "And I'm grateful for them, but it doesn't feel like enough sometimes. Especially on the road so much, being in the studio all day with people I only know on surface-level at best. I'm grateful for Paris, she's the closest thing I have some nights, but I still don't feel like I have a home or family at the end of the day." She looks back down at me and wipes her eyes then says, "I'm sorry I'm getting all like this. But, your family is living proof that what I had wished for as a kid really does exist. I thought it was just my brain creating fiction, but now I know it's real. I can feel the love between you guys, and it makes me see the gap in mine 10 times bigger."