You Are My Wildest Dream

Nothing Lasts Forever

"We can talk more about it later if you want?" I ask Hannah sincerely, as I'm only now hearing about the unbalance of her family life. "Maybe," She responds with a soft half-smile. I take her hand into mine and hold it for a moment, enjoying the comfortable silence between us.

A few minutes pass, and Hannah pulls her hand out of mine to reach for her phone to check the time. "Oh, my meeting's in 5 minutes, I should get going—," We're interrupted by spotting Paris approaching our table. "Mind if I steal her from you?" Paris turns to me to ask with a mischievous wink. "Ugh, fine, but you better return her promptly." I tease back. "You two are weird," Hannah briefly laughs out and says "bye" to me through a quick kiss on my cheek. I grab her hand right before she goes to leave, "I'll see you later, okay? I know it'll all go well, superstar," I say to her gently. In return, Hannah says nothing else besides showing me that same half-smile. I watch her and Paris walk side-by-side to find the conference room in the hotel for their meeting. I stay seated at the breakfast table, and run back through the conversation Hannah and I had. I'm pretty certain the family talk brought about the mood she's in now, and I feel terrible. I could sense the throbbing ache weighing heavy on her heart after opening up to me about it all, and maybe she even came to some big realizations herself for the first time during our talk. I'm so proud of her for digging deep and sharing that with me, but I also know it's incredibly hard to sort that shit after it's surface level. It's one of the biggest strides to healing, but also the one that requires the most work. I know she can do it, she's Hannah! And I just want to support her in any ways that I can.

I head back to my hotel room and sit on the bed, wondering what to do next. I look around the room looking for any ways to entertain myself while Hannah is gone. I've become so enamored by her that I forget what I even do in my own free time. I pick up the book, "Milk Fed", by Melissa Broder, to start reading it. I get through the first three pages before I close it because I can't concentrate on the words. I can only keep thinking about how Hannah is feeling now, and I worry maybe we took the conversation too far? Maybe she wasn't ready for that yet.

I try to ease my overthinking mind by putting on Netflix to watch Atypical; it's my comfort show. As I lay in bed, trying to keep my attention focused on one of my favorite shows, I can feel the anxiety and dread glaze over my eyes. I toss my head back onto my pillow and shut them.

Moments later, I wake up to a knock at my door. "When did I fall asleep?!" I ask myself. I stumble out of bed, and in my half-awake state open the door without even checking the peep-hole. Hannah is standing there with her head slightly down, "Hi, can I come in?" She asks. "Oh, yeah, sure, hi hi, how was your meeting?" I try to say without mumbling, as I'm still trying to wake up. She says nothing and immediately walks over to my bed to take a seat. "The meeting was fine. But, I don't feel like this is." I immediately snap out of my post-nap state and feel my stomach drop, "Why? Did I do something wrong? Can I make it right? I apologize for anything—," Hannah cuts me off and sighs, "No. You didn't do anything wrong. But, nothing lasts forever; not my family, not you, not friends, you know?" She turns her head away from me then continues, "And, I just think you deserve someone better than me anyways; you deserve someone more like you. We are so different, Rowan." In a state of shock, the only thing I have the strength for is to be bluntly honest. I clear my throat and begin, "Ok, FIRST stop quoting your own songs, please, especially the one I'M IN A MUSIC VIDEO FOR?!" I laugh and shake my head, "Secondly, I know you feel a lack of control because of this newfound hurt that you've so bravely recognized, but you can't take it out on us! Please, not on us, Hannah. We're so good and you know it." Hannah immediately turns her head back to me, and full of attitude says, "It's not a fucking lack of control, Rowan." "Then what is it, just tell me!" I demand. Hannah pauses for a moment and looks defeated. I see tears of sadness forming in her eyes again, I just want what you have, is that so much to ask for? A family that can really love each other, not ones that say "Happy Birthday" by telling me how much the stock market went up on June 13th." After she releases this, I see her think for a second, and her tears turn over from sadness to anger. "And, all of this is why I can't be with you, or anyone, or anything. I don't want anything anymore, I'm telling you Rowan, IT DOES NOT LAST for people like me!" She jumps up from my bed and starts to briskly walk towards the door. "Hannah, please just wait!" I hear a sadistic laugh come from her, as she stops in her tracks with her back still towards me. I approach her slowly, and with one last try, I say to her softly, "but, I can try and make it last forever."