Deep-diving into the culprits of my self-deprecation, "Discount Shakespeare" showcases all 50 of my poems, originally posted on Twitter, which I had written from my high school years to this day (whenever this gets published, I guess).
Teeming with...
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Discount Shakespeare An anthology of musings Poetry by seomins
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Warning: The voice in this piece bullies you á la Gordon Ramsay until you're done baking your "cake". So, if you aren't into these kinds of poems, feel free to move on to any other piece in this book. But trust me, this voice means well. :)
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Cake in my kitchen
0
This is the first and last time you'll ever see this. You're about to bake the richest, most decadent chocolate cake ever known to humanity, for real! 100%! No clickbait! Do I look like I'm joking?! It brings guaranteed results. Who doesn't love a fresh batch of guaranteed results that'll transform you from haggard home cook to head of high-class eats? (Admit it, you've never even been in that class, period. What sliver of a chance did you have with baking? Pathetic.)
1
Get all your shit out, like you always do when you're serendipitously placed in a sticky situation that'll take its rightful hold on any symbol of your sustenance that's within arm's reach. Sugar, flour, butter, that other sugar, eggs... surely, you're familiar with all of these, right? I mean, that's what you use in lieu of makeup. I- wait, what do you mean, gross? Don't act like you have no idea what I'm saying when I practically caught you using a kitchen sponge as a beauty blender.
2
Flavor can only take you PLACES. Maybe not to the stamps you've always wanted on your passport, but places! Batter your batter with that decadent chocolate flavor, as in, reaaally pack it in there, the same way you shove a whole tub of Ben and Jerry's down your system when your partner-in-crime's now partnered with crime. Yeah, that does sound rough, buddy. But remember, you're rougher! Wait, is that how the saying goes? Ah, well. Tomato, tomah-to.
3
Texture, texture, texture. As loss makes a hero, texture makes the bigger person, and that's exactly who you are. You have that one thing, that one game-changer that no one could ever find in the rest of them if they tried: softness. I mean, doormat-ism. I MEAN, PASSION! Drive, tenacity, and an overworked "resilience" narrative... the sheer effort you put into this dessert that won't make you stop until you've gotten the perfect lightness and airiness on your sponge.
I'm referring to the cake, okay?
4
Say, what exactly do ovens remind you of: your parents, or your 10 degrees of conflict with them? Okay, I kid, I kid! Now, you have all your ingredients and texture filters ready, right? Of course you do, I'm the best teacher in the world. You're good to go! You may choose to bake him- I MEAN, it, however you want. Play the waiting game with the 4 corners of your kitchen (make sure to say hi to the tiny house spider that always hangs out by the pantry!), and when you hear that sweet ding!, that means you've been on the right track the whole time.
Decorate, slice, and enjoy.
You didn't need my help after all. You deserve this.
:)
NOTA BENE (Note Well):
If he spills out of your spring-form tin and breaks into sad, little crumbs on the floor, don't worry. This is normal. That's how he had always wanted to be seen. Put him back in the fridge and keep trying.
