A/N- A little Kai chapter I wanted to add to fill some space before things pick back up again. Also this chapter includes mentioned of self harm and mental health so please consider skipping of these topics trigger you
KAI AND TAE'S HOUSE
A WEEK LATER
KAI POV
It's been a week since I last saw them. A week since I last saw anyone. This room has been my home.
I didn't need to leave for anything.
I jerked up from my bed, my body shocked my the movement. I ache all over but more than anything my heart aches.
I've been able to hear everything happening around me. The walls in this house aren't thick. I can hear it all. All the times Beomgyy and Taehyun came home from school. All the times they were almost late to school. The complaints about school and the gushing over Yeonjun and Soobin whenever they visited.
I've heard it but I haven't been there to experience it with them. My friends have been living without me. Fine without me. Their laughs would light up my day when they would echo through the hallway but I remember how they used to light up my world when I could see their smiles, hear them talking to me, feel their physical touches.
Imagine what it would be like if they loved me. Wanted to be mine. What if they kissed me? Loved me more than anything?
Then I realised
I can't think about that
Because now I have to...
Punish myself.
I made the punishments to stop myself thinking about them. To stop thinking about Tae and Gyu's relationship. So far it's not really worked. I still think about them a painful amount. All I can hope is that they eventually work so I can act like a normal person again.
What are the punishments?
Since the incident with the mirror I've realised how cutting relieved the pain. Took away the frustration. Physically showed me my worth. Yet it never felt satisfactory.
Every time I've even thought of my friends in that way I've slit my skin to teach myself to stop. It felt good in the moment but after a period of time the satisfaction disappears leaving me with guilt.
But I can't stop.
After realising what I did I took myself to my bathroom where I had since stored boxes of bandages, cleansing wipes and a singular razor blade.
I knew exactly why I was there. It was the same as always. But the longer I cope like this the longer the guilt lasts. I know I need to get out of this, it's just too hard.
Just a couple
I slid the blade lightly over my arms seeing the red seeping through faintly
A few more
I pressed the blade harder, the red protruding through my skin like a river
Just a few more
I felt the liquid flowing from my arm stronger than most times
I went to far
My arms were staining fast, the blood spilling out of the cuts with no end. My head started to feel weird. That's when I knew what I had done was different from the other times.
I slathered myself in antiseptic wipes, cleaning the blood off of my arms through my half fogged vision. The heeding did eventually stop allowing my to bandage myself up and leave the bathroom, flopping back down onto my bed and falling asleep instantly.
Today I got away lucky.
YOU ARE READING
Talking to myself- YeonBin
Fanfiction"You don't love me..." YET My name is Choi Soobin and this is the story of how I was the end of the one I loved the most. A fictional universe where Soobin is madly in love with a fellow student Choi Yeonjun but how far will he go to get his love r...
