BEOMGYU POV
When Kai emerged from the backrooms, glum in face, it was safe to say I was worried for him.
"Everything alright love?" I asked as Kai came and stood next to me and the others in the school's courtyard.
"Yeonjun had to suddenly leave, he will be back home later Soobin Hyung'' Kai said, almost dodging the question I asked him which definitely didn't go unnoticed by me or Taehyun.
"Oh...did he say why?" Soobin asked, seeming a little less concerned than I imagined.
"All I know is his mum phoned him and he seemed worried" Kai responded, his voice sounding more and more dead each time he spoke.
"Oh, okay, I'll get going I guess, see ya later guys." Soobin yelled as he left the area to go home.
It was either Soobin didn't realise Kai's mood, he didn't care about it or I'm making it up because Soobin showed no reaction to him despite how evidently strange he was being.
"Are you ok Kai?" I asked again, hoping for an answer this time, Taehyun also leaning into the conversation..
"Huh, me? No I'm fine" Kai smiled as he answered.
The change in emotions was faster than it should be and definitely raised some worries for me but I'm not going to pick at something that's not definitely there. I don't want to hurt him.
AUTHOR POV
A little while later they were home. Kai was happy but almost strangely happy to Tae and Gyu considering the major differences in his mood from earlier.
The three were in Taehyun's room mostly sitting on their phones but occasionally stopping to talk and exchange the odd hug or kiss between conversations.
Kai seemed normal through all these interactions, no differences showed but inside he felt like he was slowly tearing away at himself. He felt bad but couldn't understand what exactly had done it to him.
He was worried about Yeonjun, yes, but it wasn't something that should get to him this much considering he didn't even know what it was. It could have been the performance but he didn't make any mistakes and did what he was meant to do.
The only problems he could highlight was self doubt. What if he did mess up even though he knows he didn't? What if he looked stupid dancing next to Yeonjun because he's so much better?
Kai was riddled with self doubt and low self esteem but that was nothing new to him. Sometimes he forgot just how bad it was.
He started to feel so lost and uncomfortable with himself that he needed some time to get over it alone. Despite his love for his boyfriends, sometimes that alone time was what he needed.
"I'm gonna go to the bathroom," Kai said as he stood up from his blanket.
"Okay" Taehyun responded with a smile as he looked up from his phone.
Kai smiled back as he left the room only to let that smile fall the instant he was out of the room. He couldn't find it inside him to look happy at that moment.
He did go to the bathroom, not the one attached to his room, just the main one. It was closer.
Kai would have made sure to get himself as hidden away as possible but despite his room being just down the hall it seemed miles away and no sooner did he lock himself in the bathroom did the tears start slowly falling from his saddened eyes.
He felt like a horrible person. Like he was worrying his boyfriends over someone as stupid as himself.
He thought he had been getting better, that he wouldn't feel like this anymore but to recover you have to relapse. You have to see the worst to get to the better.
That was all he could think as he unconsciously opened the mirrored cupboard above the sink and took hold of a packet of razor blades used for the shavers in the house.
He didn't want to have them but he did.
He smiled as he looked at them, he didn't know why, but it brought him a sense of relief to have a coping mechanism though it be a bad one.
He cried through a pained smile as he brought one of the blades to his arm. Did he really want to do something like this again? Did he really want to ruin his many months clean?
A few questions he asked himself set his mind on his answer.
Do you realise how worthless you truly are?
Do you know your friends would be fine without you?
Taehyun and Beomgyu probably only dated you out of pity
Yeonjun probably thinks you look horrible when you dance but he's too nice to say anything
Soobin doesn't care for you
And when he snapped out of it he realised small trickles of red emerging from between thin, long cuts in his arms.
The blade was immediately dropped, making a small clash noise against the tiles of the floor. Kai didn't care for the noise, he didn't even realise it. He was panicking.
Where his arms had healed and left scars was being repainted with the familiar shade of red. He had purged the urges to harm again but as he looked at the fresh cuts upon his arms he felt no better than before. He was disgusted.
Disgusted with himself. He'd let himself down, he'd let his boyfriends down.
He could resist the small urges he felt over something so stupid and small that he felt he was really losing himself in that moment.
Kai hasn't really gotten this overwhelmed since he last cut several months back. His outlet for overwhelmedness used to be cutting and in the current moment he still wanted to do the same but he knew he didn't want to.
There was no easy solution he could find so he cried. He cried a lot. He cried out all the frustration he had been feeling.
He wanted to be held. He wanted to be left alone.
Eventually he stopped crying and looked down at the mess he made. Blood splats decorated a small section of the floor, his arm having the most of the mess with bloody red lines scattered around on top of a series of scars from months ago.
He took a small towel, rinsing it under warm water and then over the textured skin of his arm.
He could see all his old scars and the new ones he just made. He felt terrible for what he had just done.
All he could do was remind himself that it wasn't all his fault, some things in life need to happen. You need to relapse to recover. You need the worst to happen for the best to come.
A/n
HI GUYS IM SO SORRY I MADE AN ERROR. I released chapter 63 before this one which is big whoops. If you haven't read that one already it's okay but if you've read 63 already I suggest you you read this one aswell
Sorry for any confusions
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Talking to myself- YeonBin
Fanfiction"You don't love me..." YET My name is Choi Soobin and this is the story of how I was the end of the one I loved the most. A fictional universe where Soobin is madly in love with a fellow student Choi Yeonjun but how far will he go to get his love r...
