Inner Thoughts

First Man

First Man

This is about the first man I loved.

The first man I admired

The first man I hugged

The first man I kissed

The first man who made me smile and cry.

You being away is a normal thing to deal with. Your line of work always requires you to be somewhere else, and it doesn't bother me because, at the end of the day, you're the man I dearly love. When I was a kid, I always looked up to you, amazed that you got many friends, and admired your happy and funny personality. You're the sweetest father. Whenever you come back from work, I always cling to you or tag along wherever you go.

But my teenage years took a big turn. I learned a lot, saw a lot, and realized a lot. Our relationship got strange. It was like a sudden, huge wall appeared between us. Maybe because you've changed. A lot. I hardly recognize you, and there was a time I hated you to the point that I wanted you to be anywhere but here.

I wish you were dead.

I'm a terrible person to even think that, but I can't help it. I don't see you as a person who is as important as the person I visualize in my mind, my father- before he became unrecognizable. Years have passed since I was in a suffocating household with all those fights, screaming, crying, and hurting. Staying out late is my only option to escape.

But one day, you abruptly change, or more as you return to your old self, the father I adore. You suddenly decided to go back to your home town to visit your relatives you haven't seen in decades and some sole purpose that requires your presence to be there. At first, we were against it because we knew that you were sick, but you insisted, so we had no choice but to agree. I joked about telling the people you'll meet there that I am your greatest creation as I handed back your phone with my picture as wallpaper. You laughed at me and patted my head. "I'll just fix something and gonna come back," you said as you boarded the ship.

We have communicated regularly for the past few months. We laugh, joke, tell each other random kinds of stuff, and update each other's lives. I miss you, that's what all I knew, I miss having you around and I promise myself that when you get back, I'll be a good daughter and make you proud.

But you didn't come back, you never did and you never will.

It was a stormy afternoon. The heavy rains and the flood made everyone busy at home. One phone call made us stop everything we were doing and cry our hearts out. You're gone. You left us. We lost you. You passed away so suddenly that it's so hard to accept. I hid under the blanket and cried.

My heart tightened. It's hard to breathe.

I can't accept it. No one was prepared for that. It happened so fast, you suddenly slipped away without a warning or a sign. We lost you.

I have tons of regrets in my life, a lot of what-ifs, what could have been, and what should have been if you were still alive. Sometimes, I ended up smiling sadly when I saw random people with their fathers. I can't help but think that it could be us. I could at the very least treat you with the money I earn, buy you gifts on various occasions, and brag about having the best father in the world. I could take you to some wonderful places I know.

All those thoughts come flashing in my mind, together with our memories together. I wish I could share my achievements with you, the time I graduated from college, the time I got my first

job, I wish I could introduce you to someone who will someday take my hand, to my future children. I wish you met your grandchildren-Klyden, Reyjen, Errhyienn, Amethyst, Clifford, Kaur, Rob, and Zoey, and see for yourself how they turned into nice, sweet, good-looking, and fine adults. My siblings and I barely talked about you because we knew we would end up sharing our regrets, apologies, and sadness, but what I am sure of is that we all miss you. We will always love you. We may not be the best children, but you were a great father. It's just sad that you will not be able to hear that.

I don't want to forget.

I don't want to forget what you look like, how you laugh, how you get mad, how you smile, how you hug me tight, how you cheer me on, or the taste of the foods you cook. -you're a great cook, by the way. I want to remember it all, I engraved those memories on my mind because that's the only thing you left. That's proof that you exist.

It's been seven years, but I still miss you. I will always remember you. Even in death, you never stop loving someone, they may be physically gone, but everything remains in our hearts and minds. No one can replace you in our lives. In your stead, I will love the people you left behind and embrace my life that you contributed a lot. It's not much but I hope it can at least make up for all the disappointments and sadness I put you through. I love you, Pa. Always and forever.

*****

In memory of Themmy Zapanta Ramos
19th of September, 2014