Abditory [H.S]

35

TW: panic attack.

And talk about sexual assualt.

I'm sorry again about this, but I had to.

Luella Jones.

Sleeping was a mistake.

I am currently throwing up in my toilet seat, struggling to hold myself up.

I had another nightmare and immediately sat up from my bed after I finally managed to wake myself up, ran to my bathroom and let go of everything in my stomach.

I hate having to go through these so much, it's honestly super draining.

I flush the toilet when I'm done, still on the ground I wipe my mouth with the toilet paper, finding it hard to breathe as I am still crying.

I sniff and wipe my tears, holding onto the bathtub behind me to get up.

"Stop being a sensitive bitch." I whisper to myself, finally getting up. My face is directly in contact with the mirror, seeing the dark bags under my eyes, my lip slightly wavering as I try to hold in my tears.

A sob escapes my lips as I hold onto the sink in order not to collapse, my chin meeting my chest as I shut my eyes closed and cry.

It's fine, you're fine. It's fine, you're fine. It's fine, you're fine.

I repeat the same words over and over in my head. My hands gripping the sink so hard because of how bad I'm shaking, my sobs echoing throughout the bathroom.

Just stop Luella, it's not that bad.

I try to hold onto the sink harder, my knuckles going white as I try to stop myself from the one thing I know that will stop this whole thing.

I let go of the sink, my cryings getting louder as I tug on my hair, my knees falling to the ground again while my forehead digs into the floor too.

"Just stop it, stop this, stop please." I whisper to myself, breathing harshly.

He doesn't stop.

Flashbacks of that night go through my mind, feeling his hands all over my body again I shake myself off, getting up again to only feel his lips on my neck, rubbing my throat fast to get his touch out.

I hold onto my shoulder, digging my nails into them as I try to get rid of my memories, the memories I could never forget.

I see his face everywhere in my head, feeling his hands touch my chest, stomach, thighs and in between, I can't help but shout "stop" so loudly.

Everything feels so small here, I feel so trapped.

I open my eyes, getting out of the bathroom so fast, my feet wobbling as I walk to get that sensation out.

Why can I never forget.

I take off my sweater, feeling so trapped in it I rub my hands all over my body once it's gone, repeating those same words.

It's fine, you're fine. It's fine, you're fine. It's fine, you're fine.

"It's fine, I'm fine." I say to myself over and over again, my hands rubbing my shoulders fast as I try to not do it.

I should be used to this. I should know how to handle this when it happens. But somehow no matter how many times I go through it, I can't seem to know what to do.

I fall to the ground again, breathing in my nose and exhaling through my mouth, doing so multiple times to try and calm myself, my tears still streaming down my hot cheeks.