a wish never fulfilled

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Here lies the remains of Chuuya Nakahara
1999-2023
'You deserved better.'

Dazai sets a camellia down on the ground, staring at the words engraved on the stone tablet. He feels a type of emptiness, a hole somewhere in his heart. A cold breeze swept through the graveyard, yet he remained still. He runs his hand through the name embedded into the tablet, a lump in his throat.

"You always worked your hardest to get me to stay alive, despite all your comments of wanting to kill me yourself." Dazai says into cold air, words whisked away by the winds.

"Cutting off the rope around my neck, buying bulks of bandages for me in case I got injured, taking all the sharp objects from the shipping container just in case I tried anything stupid..." He wants to smile, but he doesn't think he can manage one at the moment.

"Threatening those who cursed my name because you 'should be the only one who insults shitty Dazai'." He can feel tears gathering in his eyes, but they would never escape. Dazai has always had excellent control over his body.

"I never understood why."

After all, he was adamant of wanting to die, and Chuuya was adamant of wanting him to. Every single suicide attempt; a failure all because of Chuuya's endless meddling. Dazai always knew it was just because he got attached to him, stupid suicidal him.
But then, Dazai got attached too, and everything went to shit.

It was then he realized Chuuya wasn't just attached to him.

A hitch in his breath, an accidental fault. "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry I couldn't get to you sooner."

It's all his fault.

"How can I live a life when you can't have yours?" A whole life with Chuuya, gone because he couldn't fucking run fast enough. A chance at a happy ending, one with Chuuya by his side and the world against just them again. All fucking redundant because he made Chuuya use Corruption, he's tried to tell himself that there was no other way but what if there was?

His dreams have been plagued by possible outcomes, what could've been done to avoid this reality—

"Why wouldn't you just tell me you loved me?"

He isn't the easiest person to love.

"Why would you even love me?"

He probably sounds desperate, his voice is hoarse— the result of barely drinking water this week. "Chuuya, I want to die. I know you don't want me to kill myself— but I can't help it." The distant feeling of blood running down his scarred body, the tugging of a rope around his neck whenever he moved.

"I— I can't understand you."

Is it because he's a failure of a partner? He's always prided himself in knowing every thought Chuuya had, being aboe to read Chuuya's mind but—

"I can't help myself." He repeats, falling to his knees on the grass.

But now, he's nothing but a mess. His other half has been ripped apart from him with no hope of getting it back, the most important part of his soul taken by what he believed he's always wanted.

Death.

He's never hated the thought of dying more.

He's bound by another dying wish of a person he's loved and held dear;

"Live for me, Osamu."

But it's so hard.

The guilt of not being there to save Chuuya from Corruption, the guilt of being alive when he doesn't deserve to be, the guilt of not knowing what his last words were because the coughing, the way it was so hard to breathe making his words incomprehensible.

He'll try.

He'll try his hardest.

He'll do his best to uphold Chuuya's last wish.

...He's going to try.

It's been ten years of drowning in abyss.

He's drunk, Dazai is five glasses in. The knife in his hand is sharp, and it digs into his neck.

Don't do it.

But he can't stop it.

But Chuuya—

He'll finally be by his side again, though.

...

The voice in his head quiets.

His heart stops beating when the knife slides across his skin.

He'll see Chuuya once again and apologize, even if it means Chuuya will never forgive him. Chuuya will be there, and Dazai will be happy enough with that.

As he bleeds out, he finally understands what Chuuya had said, before he died.

"I forgive you, 'Samu."

A familiar voice that makes his bottled tears and emotions flow out—

"I could never hate you."













EDITED NOW AS OF 1•16•23!!! this was completely redone bc OH MY GOD did the original suck.

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