What If

Part Twenty One

Isa isa kong ibinalik sa kahon lahat ng mga bagay na nakalagay dito. Pinapanuod niya lang akong gawin iyon. Hindi siya nagsasalita.

Nang maisara ko yung kahon na kanina pa nakapatong sa mga binti ko. Pinatong ko doon yung mga kamay ko at diretsong tumingin sa lawa. Naramdaman kong ganun din ang ginawa niya.

Tahimik lang naming pinagmamasdan ang kabuohan ng payapang lawa. Unti unti na ring nagbabago ang kulay ng kalangitan dahil ilang minuto na lang sunset na.

Huminga ako ng malalim at magsasalita na sana ulit ngunit naunahan niya ako.

"This bench really knows a lot of secret." He scoffed. Napatingin ako sa kanya. Mukhang napansin niya naman sa mukha ko na magtatanog ako kaya inunahan niya na ako.

"Di ba I told you earlier that I don't want this bench gone because this holds a lot of secrets. Well, Dito ako tumatakbo tuwing may gusto akong sabihin tungkol sayo pero hindi ko masabi sa iba. Itong bench na to ang naging saksi kung paano unti unting nadevelop ang feelings ko sayo." Tumingin siya sa bench na inuupuan namin at bahagya itong hinimas.

"Dito ko nilalabas lahat ng hinanakit ko. So, kung tao tong bench na to, siguro siya ang unang nakarealize na mahal kita. Tapos ngayon, siya pa ang saksi sa lahat ng ito." He laughed softly.

Napailing na lang ako sa sinabi niya. Natahimik kami ulit. Binalik niya na yung tingin niya sa lawa kaya nagsalita na ako.

"Thank you." simpleng sabi ko. He shifted his gaze towards me kaya ngumiti ako sa kanya.

He's looking at me confused. I smile widely at him.

"Thank you because today I learned that it wasn't a one-sided love. Maraming salamat sa pagmamahal, hindi lang bilang isang kaibigan kundi bilang ako." I smiled at him.

"But I think now Ethan it's time for us to love ourselves first. I am so happy and grateful knowing na mahal mo ko. Not just as a friend, but also romantically. Pero habang magkausap tayo kanina, listening to each other's stories, I realized that we love each other too much to the point that we neglected ourselves. Ako, I know, I'm still not okay. Nasabi ko man lahat ng nararamdan ko para sayo. We may clear everything here, but I know, and I feel that I still have excess baggage here in my heart. Hindi na ito tungkol sa iyo kung hindi sa sarili ko na." I said.

"I still have a long way to go Ethan, nag uumpisa pa lang ako eh. I know this is a selfish move kasi masasaktan nanaman kita but this is what I need. Parang all my life nakadepende yung happiness ko sa mga tao sa paligid ko and then, when all of them are gone, bagsak ako. Ayoko na ng ganun. I want to experience genuine happiness with myself." I said. Sincerely.

"Maaring mahal natin at mapapasaya natin ang isa't isa, pero kung pipiliin nating magpatuloy ngayon siguradong magkakasakitan tayo sa dulo. We both love each other but we don't love ourselves. I don't love myself. I'm still broken Ethan and I don't trust myself that much. Panigurado ibibigay ko lang lahat sayo. Magiging dependent ako, Iikot ang mundo ko sayo, magiging needy ako and that will be toxic." I sighed.

"I wanted to learn how to love myself first, to embrace and appreciate all my flaws, to lessen my insecurities. To be dependent on me. I want to learn how to depend on my own happiness. I wanted to have a positive outlook in life, and I wanted to forgive myself before I gave my love again. I want to be whole again." I said.

"Ethan, I also want you to love and value yourself more. You did great. You make us all proud. I am so proud of you for achieving a lot, for reaching your dreams. But are you really happy?" I asked.

He just looked at me. Tila nag iisip ng isasagot sa akin.

"I'm happy right now because I get to talk to you." He answered.