DS #4: Our Bloody Life

Kabanata 20

"Time of death: 12:03 AM."

Wala ako sa sariling lumabas sa OR. Sobrang lambot ng tuhod ko. Wala man lang akong nagawa para kay Nurse John. Ang sakit-sakit ng dibdib ko. Napahikbi ako ng makita siyang agad na tumayo, umaasang naligtas ang asawa niya. I took off my surgical cap and mask, I throw it away. I can't look at him straight.

"D-Doc, h-how's my wife?" he asked. Nurse John wiped his tears. He looked so horrible. I can't even answer him. I bite my lips because it's trembling.

I hold Nurse John's arm, hinawakan niya ang isa kong kamay. Parang mawawalan ako ng malay. My face feel nothing. Nanlalamig na ako.

"N-Nurse J-ohn, s-sorry," I whispered. I can't take it. My shoulder shaken. Nagsimulang tumulo ang mga luha mula sa mga mata ko. Malakas akong humikbi. She had heart attack during the operation. We tried to revive her life but she is not responding anymore. I saw her body lifeless, and it broke my heart.

Bumukas muli ang pintuan. "I'm sorry, Mr. John," Doc Zam said, "She was fighting, but she didn't made it until we are finish operating her. He had heart attack."

Tumakbo ako sa palayo sa kanila. I heard Nurse Lee shouts at me pero hindi ko na nagawang lumingon. My eyes gets blurry.

Hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupunta. Humawak ako sa pader habang hinihingal. I covered my face using my palms. Lumakas ang hikbi ko. Para akong batang umiiyak. Hindi alam ang gagawin. Nawawala sa ulirat.

Ang sakit sa dibdib. I shouldn't act this way, I am doctor. I should be expressionless but here I am crying again.

I wiped my tears but it's continuously streaming. Pagpasok ko ng quarters ay doon ko lang nahubad ang surgical gown ko. Napasabunot ako ng sariling buhok. I hugged myself. Nakaupo ako sa sulok ng kwarto, umiiyak at pinapatong ang mukha sa ibabaw ng tuhod ko. She just died in front of me.

Kapag nakita ako ni Doc na ganito, tiyak na pagagalitan niya ako. This is my weakness, seeing them dieing in front of me. Kaya gano'n na lang ang pagkagusto kong maging doctor.

I don't know how long I cried. Ang sakit-sakit ng dibdib ko. My eyes are sore. Nanginginig pa rin ang paghinga ko dahil sa iyak. I sniffed. I wasted a lot of tissues and it was scattered in front of me.

I feel sorry for him. He lost her love one. Ang taong gusto niyang makasama sa mahabang panahon. I heard a knock from the door. Hindi ako lumingon, I didn't dare.

"Alam kong nandiyan ka. Nurse John send me here," Nurse Lee said. Bigla na naman akong napahikbi. Natatakot ako at nahihiyang harapin siya. She knew how close we are, "Doc, he said. He's okay."

Nanginginig ang balikat ko. Ang lakas ng hikbi ko. Alam niyang ganito ako lagi kapag may hindi naililigtas. Naiisip niya pa rin ako.

"Doc, can you open the door, please?" she asked, pleading. I shook my head, "We are all worried at you." Patuloy ang pagkatok niya.

"Nurse John called me here. Is Doc Pri was here?" napaangat ang tingin ko dahil sa boses na 'yon.

"C-Cholo, yes. Nasa loob siya, mabuti at nakapunta ka kaagad,"

I wiped my tears using the tissue. It's him.

"I was waiting for her outside. It's lock, don't you have keys?"

Biglang kumirot ang dibdib ko. Ang bigat, kulang na lang ay mahulog ito at mabasag. Would he accept it? It's so hard. Kahit na ako, I can't believe it. Natulala ako sa bandang bintana. Kitang-kita mula rito ang bilog na buwan. It lighten up our night.

I heard the door open. My tears are flowing. Mabilis ko itong pinunasan. Nakakahiya naman.

"Hold my hand," he said, commanding. Napayuko ako. I saw his extended hand. I hide my face. I don't want him to see this side of me, "Come on, I've waited for you for 3 hours. Yet, you are crying," he added.