Coffee Mess

What If...?

Logan's P.O.V.

"What if I hadn't given up?" I ask reluctantly, without turning to look at her

"Truth is, I don't like thinking about what if's; What if my mom didn't have me when she was 16, what if my dad hadn't abandoned us, what if my step dad was someone else... I can't know what would have happened if something was different in my life. What I know, though, is that I don't react well to people pushing me, so if you had insisted, I would probably have lashed out and things would have ended very badly; maybe with you hating me more than u have ever hated anyone before. So, to answer your question, what ifs are a rabbit hole that we shouldn't fall into. We shouldn't think of it and we definitely shouldn't let it keep us up at night and hold us back. We should just live with the consequences of our actions and just try to make better choices from now on. I'm so sorry you're hurt, that's exactly what I wanted to avoid, but you said you were ok with us having casual sex and I trusted you"

"Are you seriously blaming me, now?" I ask, turning to her

"I'm not blaming you, Logan, I'm stating facts. I specifically told you that I don't want to hurt you and you insisted that you're gonna be fine"

"And I was. Until we came closer"

"So what? You're telling me I led you on?"

"Not intentionally, but at some point it felt more like a relationship"

"Well, it wasn't. I was very clear on that. The reason that we got close was the fact I actually liked your company and it was nice watching lame movies and laughing at how awful they were with you. I saw you as a friend that I sometimes have sex with. It was never a relationship and it's not my fault if you thought it was. U could have talked to me. Tell me what you were thinking. How was I supposed to know that you thought it was a relationship if you didn't tell me?"

"I didn't say anything because I knew you would end things and I really didn't want to"

"That's not my fault, Logan...you chose not to say anything, you chose to believe in something that wasn't real. Don't try to make me the bad guy. You broke your own heart. And I didn't choose him over you, it just happened"

"My question is why it didn't just happen with me! Because, from what I see, he's not treating you well..."

"Logan, don't try to understand something that's impossible to understand. If the circumstances were different, maybe I would have chosen you, but it has been more than a year and a lot has changed since then. You even stopped coming to get coffee, so the fact that I'm with him now, has nothing to do with you. We stopped talking, so we didn't have any contact. I kept fucking with Ian, though, and one day he asked me to fuck exclusively, with no other strings attached and I said yes and then, 5 months later, we decided to try and make it work as a couple"

"It's clearly not working"

"As I said before, we're not used to being in a relationship, so he doesn't know that this isn't right. We will talk about it and fix it. That's how relationships work. All relationships! If you don't talk with each other, relationships fall apart" I scoff again. Does she think she's an expert now?

"Yeah, lecture me on relationships now..."

"I'm not lecturing you, Logan. I'm just telling you that communication is key. If you don't talk about your feelings and your thoughts, the other person isn't a psychic, they can't know what's going on in your head. So, please, stop blaming me for your broken heart, stop thinking what if and just move on"

"So you wanna tell me that you felt nothing for me?"

"I don't know what I felt. I know that I liked you, that I had a nice time with you and that I care if you're alright or not. No matter how things ended, you have a special place in my heart, because you're one of the very few people that actually accepted me for who I am and didn't just stop at my exterior, but got time to know me. And, I'm not gonna lie, I miss you, ok? I miss our conversations, I miss the common interests we used to find, I missed how awkward you were around my dad and how you would blush when I told you that you look like a puppy with a beard. By the way, nice shave, you look like you're 15" She says and at first I'm serious, but at the last comment I can't help but chuckle

"Thanks" I touch my chin "Erin said that beards make me look older and I needed a change anyway, so I shaved. But now I guess I'm gonna let it grow back"

"Don't let what I said get to you. It's actually cute. I mean, you look younger, but you also look..." she replies and then she tries to find the word

"Cuter?"

"Yeah, cuter" she says and we both chuckle

"Thanks, I'll keep that in mind"

"You do that, yeah"

"Anyway, you were saying you missed me?" I say kinda smiling, obviously enjoying what she said

"Yeah, right. I missed you. You were a big part of my life for a few months, so when we stopped talking abruptly, it hit me hard. I'm the kind of person that when I get attached, I don't easily detach. And of course I know that we couldn't have stayed friends, but still, your absence was felt. I'm also someone who doesn't know how to deal with this kind of feelings, so I try everything to keep my mind quiet; sleeping, studying, having a lot of sex and also having a lot of alcohol...I also had another tattoo"

"Jeez, how many do u have now? 10?"

"Yep, exactly"

"Wow!"

"Yeah, and I'm still 19. Anyway, what I wanted to say is don't think I took our situation lightly, ok? We did get closer, we did have a bond beyond sex and I beat myself up for a long time after we stopped seeing each other. So, please, don't be mad at me..." she says looking at me with wet eyes and I sigh, looking down for a second, before looking at her again

"I'm not mad at you, Sandra...I just think that I'm still in love with you"