Coffee Mess

I Want To Live

Logan's P.O.V

"So, I think it's time to talk, huh?" I say and I see her smile turn into a frown

"Right, yeah. Wanna start?"

"Well, u were the first to suggest it, so, begin"

"Ok...so, first I want to make clear that I'm not here to apologize. I don't think I have something to apologize for. My reasons were valid, at least when I said them, I didn't lie to u. Ok, sure, maybe subconsciously there was more to that truth, but that's something I thought after. What I do and with whom I do it, is none of your business, since we're not exclusive. And maybe it's my fault that it got so tangled, because I shouldn't talk to u about what I do with other men. To sum up, I think we crossed a line we shouldn't have and our relationship turned into something deeper, even though it shouldn't have"

"U mean it started feeling like we're a couple..."

"Yes, kinda. Instead of just being each other's bootty call, we got closer, started spending time with each other, talk about our day, our feelings..."

"And that doesn't make u change your mind about us?"

"Oh, it did! But not like u mean it..."

"How do u know what I mean?"

"Ok, I'll play along; what do u mean, Logan?"

"I mean that, seeing how easy it was for us to bond, how, without trying, we started getting closer, didn't change your mind about us not being a couple?"

"I knew u meant that...and, honestly, I thought about that too, but I still want to live. Free, without strings attached, without having to think before I act. I like being free to look at other guys, flirt and then have sex. I feel nice not having a boyfriend"

"Ok, so, what did u mean when u said that u changed your mind about us?"

"I think it's pretty obvious, don't u think?"

"Please, Sandra, just say it! U want to act like a grown-up, now's the time to do that!"

"Alright! I think it would be best for us to stop seeing each other...naked..."

"Wow..." I say scoffing

"What?"

"U're actually willing to throw away a connection like ours, just to have some fun for a few months"

"I don't want some fun for a few months, Logan. Next September I'm going to college. I want to be single to party, do things that only single people can do"

"So, in your eyes, a relationship can only limit your fun. There are no advantages"

"I'm sure there are, but I'm not ready to commit to just one person. I'm not ready to have dinner dates, movie dates, all kinds of dates! I'm not ready to have to call the other person every day, letting them know where I am all the time, introducing them to other people as my boyfriend...I'm too young for this kind of pressure. Please, tell me u understand"

"I do, yeah...I can't change u, obviously. I just thought that after seeing how good we are together, u'd change your mind and give us a shot..."

"Logan, *puts hand on his cheek and looks me him the eyes* u're so sweet and we definitely have a connection, I've probably connected more with u than I ever have with anyone else, but we're in different places in our lives. I'm 18, I don't have a steady job, I don't have my own house, I haven't even started college yet, I don't know who I am yet. But u, oh God, u! U have everything figured out! U're 28, u have your house, your dog, u found your calling! Even if I gave in and said ok, let's try it, I'd probably let u down, hurt u, make u hate me and I really don't want that. U're too good for me, u will always be, but especially right now, the only way is down..."

"Who has convinced u that u're not good enough, Sandra? Who has made u believe that u can only let people down, so u just don't try at all?" I ask her looking deep in her eyes, putting my hand on her, and she just pulls away 

"What?" she asks looking at me confused

"Oh come on now...I'm old enough to see right through u! U're obviously convinced that u don't deserve anything good, so u just don't even try. Someone has made u believed u're not worthy of anything real"

"Is that the only explanation u can think of? Is the fact that I want to live my life before committing to someone, so I have no regrets and no 'what if's', not a good enough explanation for u?"

"Of course it is, I'm just concerned that behind that, there's something deeper"

"I'm sorry, Logan, but there's not, ok? I've met so many people that are miserable in their 40s because they didn't live their lives when they were young. They got married before having really lived their single lives and it led them to depression, divorce, substance abuse...I don't want to end up like that too. And I don't believe I'm throwing away anything. I believe that what's meant to be, will be, no matter what u do or how far u run from it...so I choose to run away from my fate for as long as I can, because I don't know what the future holds for me. Maybe I end up happily married, with kids, maybe I end up dead in an alley, I don't know, but what I do know, is that before fate catches up on me, I want to think I've escaped it..."

"U don't think that all of this is the mentality of a person who has unresolved issues?"

"Damn it, Logan! *jumps up and starts yelling* I'm not a broken girl u can fix, alright? Yeah, I have issues, yeah, I should probably look into them, but I definitely don't let them decide for me, ok? I chose to live and not to mop over my issues! I want to have, or at least think I have, control over my life, over my decisions!"

"Alright. If that's what u need to feel in control, then, by all means, do it" I say calmly 

"I will!" she replies still yelling

"Good"

"So...anything u want to add?" she asks, calming down

"Well, not exactly, u practically covered me..."

"I'd like to hear what u had in mind to tell me though..."

"Nothing specific...I just thought u might decide to give us a try and if u hadn't, I was sure u'd ask me to stay friends and I'd say that we can't be friends because I have feelings for u, and having u as a friend and learning about your sexual encounters would hurt a lot and that I love myself too much to do that"

"Sweetie, I would never ask u to be friends. I don't believe that u can be friends with someone who u've had feelings for..."

"U-u have feelings for me?"