Coffee Mess

I'm Sorry You Feel That Way

Sandra's P.O.V

"I'm not mad at you, Sandra. I just think that I'm still in love with you" he says and I just freeze, looking at him

"I-I-" I try to talk, but words don't fall into my head

"You don't have to say anything. It's probably because I never actually had you. But you don't have to say anything, really. I just wanted to say it, to get it out. I couldn't let you think I'm mad at you"

"I don't know what to do with that information, actually..."

"Nothing. Forget I said it, I shouldn't have said it. You're with Ian, it wasn't right. I'm gonna leave now" he says, but I stop him before turning around

"So, what? Am I supposed to just forget you said it?"

"Yes, please. I won't bother you anymore, I swear. I don't want to get between you and Ian. But if you change your mind about him, you know where to find me" he says and then leaves...

~

At around 1 at night, Ian calls me, but I'm not in the mood to fight after my talk with Logan, so I play it tired and end the call quickly. The problem is that he said that he'll be back tomorrow morning, so I must push back what Logan said and not let it manifest in my talk with Ian.

~~~

Indeed, the next day Ian is back at around noon and decides to come get me from the university to go for lunch.

"Now that you've eaten, do you feel like talking?" He asks the minute I put my fork down

"Is that why you brought me to my favourite place? To make me less angry at you?"

"No, Sandra, I brought you to your favourite place because I wanted to do something nice for you, after leaving you alone for so long. My acts don't have ulterior motives behinds them"

"Alright then. Let's talk"

"Ok, so, I understand you're mad at me because I wasn't calling enough"

"No. I'm mad at you because you didn't feel the need to call enough. We're supposed to be at our honeymoon phase, but instead we're like we have been married for 30 years and we can't wait to spend time apart Didn't you miss me?"

"Oh, I did  Very much! But I'm not used at showing it"

"Ian, look, I get that you're not used to being in a relationship, but you have to understand that being in a relationship means sharing your feelings and thoughts. When you miss the other person, you let them know. I don't expect much from u, but I'd like to know that when you're away, you miss me. My voice, my laughter and all that. I went to bed every night wondering whether you really want this to work or you're just in it for the sex. I can't be in a relationship and feel unwanted"

"I'm sorry you feel like that"

"No! I don't feel like that. You make me feel like that. Take responsibility for it. Saying that you're sorry I feel like that, is manipulative. You're the reason I felt like that!" I say, raising my voice a little

"Ok, you're right. I'm sorry. I'll try to do better"

"I don't want you to do it just for me, I want you to want to do it. Because you want me in your life"

"Of course I want you in my life. I wouldn't be here if I didn't"

"Then fucking show me! Tell me how you feel, tell me you feel lucky to have found me. Tell me you miss me. Pick up the fucking phone and call sometime for fuck's sake!" I say, losing my cool and starting yelling

"Sandra, you're making a scene..." he says, kinda annoyed

"Oh, I'm sorry, am I embarrassing you? Am I making ypu uncomfortable? If only I knew how that feels...oh wait, I do! Do you know how uncomfortable it is to have people ask you how's your boyfriend doing and having to lie, because you don't want to tell them that you don't fucking know because he hasn't called in 5 days?"

"Ok, I get it, I'm sorry. But can you please tone it down?"

"Don't worry, I'm leaving" I say and get up, grabbing my bag, leaving

"What the hell got into you? Weren't we just talking calmly?" He asks when he catches up on me

"We were, but then I remembered how awful I felt these past 2 weeks and I couldn't keep it quiet anymore. Here's a fun fact about women: when you want to talk about something that made them angry, you don't take them somewhere public, because you're obviously gonna make it worse and they're gonna flip"

"How did I make it worse? I was apologizing!"

"You call that apologizing? You didn't own up to it. Taking me to my favourite place and saying I'm sorry you feel that way isn't exactly an apology. It's dismissive at best, gaslighting at worst. You act like that macho man who doesn't get attached and who's so fed up with bimbos throwing themselves at him, wishing it would stop already, but when a smart, down-to-earth woman comes your way, you treat her like a bimbo. I thought we were supposed to try to make it work, but, honestly, I don't see you try"

"Are you waiting for your period or something?" He asks with irony dripping from his lips, making me fuel up more and gasp, raising my eyebrows

"You're fucking unbelievable! I'm telling you how you make me feel and instead of trying to fix it, you're implying I'm being hormonal... No, I'm not waiting for my period, it just ended, but I guess you would have known if you had picked up the goddamn phone once in the past 5 days! But, you know what? I don't even care anymore. I don't need you to make me feel important. If anything, there are other people who don't need to be reminded to care about me and who wouldn't stand not hearing my voice not even for half a day" I say, spitting my words, with my Texan accent showing, and at the end I turn around and leave without paying attention to him calling my name