Hearts Between Colors (Isla Contejo #3)

Chapter 27

SINUNDAN ko ng tingin ang grupo ng mga ibon na nagliparan sa himpapawid habang tahimik akong nakapangalumbaba sa barandilya ng balkonahe. Seeing the birds flew freely made my heart ache for some reason. They were flying peacefully and they weren't hurting anyone with that.

Sana'y ganoon din ang ibang mga tao. Na kapag naging malayang gawin ang mga bagay na gusto ay walang ibang masasaktan. Minsan kasi, sa sobrang pagiging malaya, hindi na ikinokonsidera ang mga tao sa paligid nila basta't malaya lang na magawa ang gusto. Walang pakialam kung may masaktang damdamin.

When I learned that my dearest father is a gay man, I remembered that the first thing I did was to question him. Why? How? Why did he become like that? How did he turn to be like that when he fell in love with my mom, asked her hand for marriage, and married her?

How could he be gay when he was in love with my mom -- a woman? How could he be gay when he wanted to build a family from the start? Ang dami kong mga tanong sa kaniya. Hindi ko maintindihan. Hindi ko makuha ang punto kung bakit nakaramdam pa siya ng romantikong pagmamahal sa kapwa niya lalaki kung may babae naman siyang mahal.

"I'm sorry, Guillana. I love you, but I can't change who I am. I tried, but I really can't," iyon ang iilan sa mga natatandaan kong paliwanag ni Papa kay Mama noong malaman nito ang totoo.

Tahimik akong nakikinig sa pagtatalo nila isang tabi. I was just fifteen and I was doing my homework in my room when I heard breaking glasses and Mama's cries. I immediately went downstairs and there I found them near the dining. Mama looked miserable with tears cascading on her cheeks. Papa looked defeated and frustrated.

"You love me? You love me, but you're sleeping with a man?! May asawa ka pero may ibang lalaki kang kinakasama? Nasaan doon ang pagmamahal, Nixon?!"

Agad na nagdikit ang mga kilay ko at nalito nang lubos. Did I hear it right? Man? Papa was sleeping with who?

"I'm s-sorry, Gigi. Bago pa kita makilala, nasa buhay ko na si Atlas. B-but I got scared of the future. I got scared that my parents might disown me. At gusto kong magkapamilya. Hiniwalayan ko siya dahil gusto kong mamuhay nang matiwasay. Ayaw kong mahusgahan at gusto kong magkapamilya. That's when I met you. Believe me, I fell in love with you--"

"Sinungaling!"

"It's true! Pinakasalan kita dahil mahal kita. Nagkaanak tayo dahil mahal kita. Pero kahit anong pilit kong baguhin ang sarili ko, hindi ko magawa. Nang muli kaming magkita ni Atlas, b-bumalik lahat--"

I flinched at how hard the slap my mom gave to him. Gumilid ang mukha ni Papa at doon ko nakita na punong-puno na rin pala ng luha ang mukha niya.

"Don't you dare try to console me with the fact that you married me because you love me! You don't love me enough!  Dahil kung mahal mo nga talaga ako, hinding-hindi ka babalik sa lalaki mo!"

Hindi nakapagsalita si Papa. Tanging iyak at pagmamakaawa lang ang nagawa matapos n'on.

"I'm sorry. Hindi ko alam na hanggang ngayon . . . ganito ako. Patawarin mo 'ko, p-pero kailangan kong tanggapin kung ano ako. At kasama sa pagtanggap na 'yon ang katotohanang m-mahal ko pa si Atlas."

Turns out, he loved that man more than us. Because as what Mama said, he wouldn't leave his family for another man if he really loved us so much. Mas mahal niya ang lalaki niya kaysa sa amin. Mas pinili niya 'yon kaysa sa amin. Pinili niyang lumaya. Pinili niyang maging malaya sa piling ng lalaking mahal niya.

Naging malaya siya. Naging masaya. Habang kami ni Mama, hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa rin malaya sa sakit na ibinigay niya. I didn't even know if I would be able to be freed from all the pain. I felt like I would carry it for the rest of my life.