She Is Not Her

Chapter 38

ADRIA'S POV:

"Do you still love him", we both asked each other at the same time.

I was expecting this question from her but it came sooner than expected. I didn't know what to say so Andrea decided to talk first.

"I do. I do love him, to me love is a feeling which can never die. It can either suppress or be overpowered by hatred but it can never die. Austin is my first love and the day I met him years back was the best day of my life. He made me feel loved and secure, he cared for me and promised to take me out from the hell I was in. And he did. He fulfilled his promise. he saved us from Jake. But as I said love can be overpowered by hatred sometimes, I still love him but the things he did to you and dad made me hate him more. I can never forgive him for that Adria. Never. Yes, I imagined my future with him hundreds of times but now when I look at him, I see Jake in him. When he was confessing about whipping you and burning your skin, I remembered the days when Jake used to do the same to our mom. I can never respect another monster in my life, I can never see myself with him" when she said this I started respecting her even more. She has faced so much in life yet she had so much fight inside her. She is fierce and bold. Unlike me, she is very clear about her feelings.

"I have said everything I wanted to, now it's your time", she asked and waited for my reply. I was about to speak but she stopped me again. "Wait, you have two guys in your life and I want to know how you feel about the both of them", she asked and when she saw my confused face she told me to start with Connor.

I sighed, "To be honest, I don't think I can ever stand his face again. He manipulated me, he just wanted me physically. He was playing with my feelings since the beginning and made me believe that I loved him but all was a lie. He was ready to hurt us all without any hesitation and he did.."

"Well, even Austin hurt you the same way", Andrea interrupted me.

"No, Austin had missundersting. He mistook me as you and dad as Jake. When I refused to recognize him he was hurt, also you told him how Jake used to abuse you that's why he mistreated dad. He did what he did because of all the confusion"

"So now you are defending him?", she questioned me raising her brows.

I sighed "I am not. I agree what he did was wrong in every sense but his actions were not evil and intentional like Connor", I reasoned.

"Adria, love I am not asking about who was less wrong. I am asking you what do you feel about them. Can you be a bit clear?", my sister questioned me in a strict tone.

Clear, it means being sure or definite; without any doubts or confusion.

I was anything but sure. My feelings were anything but definite. My thoughts had too many doubts and I was confused as fuck. Have you ever seen entangled wires? My feelings, thoughts, sanity, respect, trust and love were all long wires entangled badly in each other. I wanted to separate them and make my life easy but I was not able to find the ends.

The only thought clear in my mind was that my family is more important to me than anything and staying with Austin was going to mess my family.

"I don't know Andrea, I don't know whether I love him or not. Hell, I don't even know whether I ever loved him or was it just Stockholm syndrome or attraction. But one thing I know is that I can't be with him. When I left him I was guilty that I stabbed him for a crime he did not even commit also the fresh memories I had with him were the good ones. The one where he treated me like a queen, the one where his mother loved me like her own, the one where he expressed his feelings to me and promised me the whole world. My heart was making itself run towards him but..", I paused as a sob escaped my lips. Everything was just too much to handle.