She Is Not Her

Chapter 41

ANDREA'S POV:

Turned out the girl was not being kidnapped but kept safe in Austin's house. Her name is Cara and she worked as a maid here. She was tricked by Conner and helped him reach Adria. 

When I asked him why she was banging the door like a captive Austin didn't answer me. Instead Augustus did t for him and according to Augustus, it was just her being a drama queen. 

"So.. you were waiting five years?", I asked Austin. We were alone in his study now. I wanted to clear things out with him. It would be best for us if we have a proper enclosure.

"I did, yes", he said looking at the paperweight on his table.

"Do you still love me?", I asked him. I hope at least Austin has his feelings sorted, unlike Adria.

"I am afraid, I don't" he looked at me in the eyes and said.

"You waited for years, Austin. What changed?"

"I changed, Andrea. 'The Austin Hawk' changed....... She changed me", he whispered the last part. "Before her, it was all about you. My world was about you. I drowned myself in darkness because you were not there to spread light in my world. I started becoming cruel Andrea, I became a monster. But she changed me", he sighed.

"I thought it was you and I finally found you. I was so happy but when she refused to recognise me it hurt me. I thought the person I was waiting for all these years was refusing me, the person I was trying to find like a mad man was denying me. It made me so angry and hurt Andrea. I was so drowned in fury that I hurt her. I never once in my life raised a hand on a woman but I hurt her. And you know what? The monster I had turned into at that time was satisfied to see her hurt", he said and left out a dark chuckle.

"I thought I was contented to see her suffer, to break her and subside all the fight in her but when I saw her smile I realised how wrong I was. The twisted me was satisfied to see her suffer but the person deep inside my heart, felt complete when he saw her smile. That's when I decided I'd leave my past behind. It didn't matter who she was, Andrea or Adria all I knew was that I had fallen in love with her", his face held a slight smile when he said this. His eyes glowing, I realised he wasn't this happy even when he was with me. His sincerity could be seen in his eyes.

"I don't have an on and off button in my heart Andrea. I loved you and my feelings were strong, after you, many girls came into my life but I couldn't love them. Then Adria came. She was just like you yet so different. She just looked like you but has a completely different personality. I know I was attracted to her because of her face but I loved her because of her heart. It took everything inside me to move on from you and love her for being 'her'. And now I can't make my heart forget her. I love her Andrea and I don't think I can change that. I was furious when you left me but I wasn't even a bit mad when she stabbed me. I explained to myself that I deserve it. I love her that much, I can even let her kill me", it almost looked like he was about to cry. The Austin Hawk was about to cry.

"I hope I didn't hurt you, Andrea. I just can't help myself"

"Just like you even I don't have an on and off button for my feelings, Austin", I said. "So I won't say I don't love you. But I can't forget the actions you did. My heart is always going to compare you with the evil men I have been with, it is always going to see you in the place of my father who used to torture my mom in front of me. I have a scarred past, Aussie which won't let me be as soft-hearted as my sister. I can't see you the same way since I saw the marks on her body. Even if I can't stop loving you, I hate you more. Even if she can forgive you, I can't", I told him the truth without any filter. He just nodded his head in response. This conversation was so freaking awkward.

"Besides I don't think I can ever be into a normal relationship. I have been tossed between enough men I don't think I can handle another anymore", I said trying to hide my pain behind humour.

"Andrea I.."

"No Austin, I really don't want any sympathy. Because anyone sympathising with me would mean considering me weak which is the last thing I want", I told him. Cause from now on I wanted to focus on my future.

"I understand your feelings. I promise to be there for you from now on. One of my biggest regrets is not being there for you when you were suffering but now I want to change that. Also, I don't blame you for hating me. I would have done the same if I were you", Austin gave me a faint smile.

"I hope everything is sorted between us now?", he asked me and I just gave him a nod.

"But nothing is right between you and Adria. You say you love her so why did you not tell her the truth, Austin? She thinks you kidnapped Cara that's why she was angry. She came here to give your relationship a chance. You had an opportunity to get her back. Then why did you ask her to go?", I asked him.

"I love her and now I know that she loves me too but that's not enough to keep us together. The most important thing is what we lack. We lack trust. She doesn't trust me and a relationship without trust would be hollow and easy to break. 

So it is better if I let her go"