The Hurt And The Healing: Bucky X OC

Chapter Fifty Seven: Bad To Worse

After surviving two months in the Carpathian Mountains with her grandmother, Captain America, a dickish terrorist, and her amnesiac lover, Mara was ready to kill someone. It might be one of her housemates. It might be herself. It might be both. All Mara knew was that she was one petty argument away from losing her damn mind.

Bucky leaving had only increased the likelihood of Mara going insane. For all his dark jokes and frustrated sighs, Bucky had kept the cabin from exploding. His training sessions with Sam wore out the winged Avenger until they were both too tired to cause trouble. His sweet compliments never failed to make Nonna laugh and forget what she was annoyed over. His angry glares kept Zemo from saying his insults in English, allowing the others to be blissfully unaware of his snark. And his tender kisses were an amazing stress reliever for Mara.

But now he was gone and she was left lying in their bed with a pillow over her ears to block out the sound of Sam and Zemo arguing and Nonna dropping every fucking pot and pan in the house as she made dinner.

Groaning in frustration, Mara curled into a ball and tried to think of something nice and relaxing. But every time she managed to latch onto a happy memory a nagging thought overwhelmed it: something was holding Bucky back. Mara rationalized, telling herself that neither she nor Bucky were used to being in a relationship so of course certain things would take a while. She idealized, trying to convince herself that Bucky's excuse that he wanted to wait until they were home in New York City was romantic and charming and not cause for alarm. She even shifted the blame to him, wondering that he was not as healed as he claimed but was so eager to take out Movoniv that he hid it. All were plausible explanations, but none were enough to alleviate the memories of his hands stopping at her shirt hemline or his kindly telling her "not tonight."

Her mind would not accept that it was Bucky's fault, so the criticism turned onto her. Mara knew that she was no forties bombshell, a decade of long hours in the hospital made sure of that. Not that she had ever been one of the "pretty girls." She was either too much of one thing or not enough of the other and so Mara made the decision years ago to not care what people thought. Alex had thought she was beautiful, but Alex had also known her when she was twenty and happy and soft. Over a decade later the girlish figure had been replaced by strong limbs to lift patients and her bright eyes had dimmed with exhaustion and her easy smile was far more rare.

Could that be it? Had she really let herself go to the point that Bucky was not interested in her? His kisses and whispers may have said one thing, but the fact that they had been together for over a month and had yet to go past second base drowned everything else out.

Mara forced herself to stand up and go to the small bathroom. She stared at herself in the harsh lighting, taking in every fine line, every splotch, every blemish. She looked every one of her thirty three years, and probably a few more than that thanks to the stress of the past decade. Losing your fiance, parents, and half the universe tended to age a person. Not to mention a mad scientist threatening her, causing her to go on the run during which time she went undercover at an illegal arms auction, survived a bombing, performed surgery in a kitchen with a lamp to serve as her defibrillator, and somehow got Bucky back to the point of well being that he could leave again to assassinate the previously mentioned mad scientist. Could anyone blame Mara for looking a little haggard?

Yes, actually. Mara was very good at blaming herself. She had let herself go over the past decade and now she was reaping what she had not sown. Something would have to change, namely her.

"Mara!" Nonna shouted excitedly. "James is home!"

Mara abandoned her self-criticism and hurried to the front door, but Nonna had already beaten her to it and was engulfing Bucky in a tight hug. He made eye contact with Mara and grinned at her before Nonna pulled him down so that she could embrace him better.