The Hurt And The Healing: Bucky X OC

Chapter Eighty Three: Analgesia

There are five principles of wound care. The first principle is haemostasis, or the eventually stop of blood flow. Wounds always stop bleeding eventually, although whether that is due to healing or just a lack of blood left to be shed is another question.

Mara's wounds stopped bleeding by day two in the hospital. Her surgical team was great, and the real credit went to Shuri who had sent bandages woven with vibranium to Mara via an ambassadorial aide. Mara hadn't been sure of what to expect when the black strips were wrapped around her arms and torso. Wakandan technology was incredible, but could something as simple as bandages be improved upon enough to make a significant difference?

The answer was yes, and all Mara could do was stare in amazement when it came time for the first dressing change and her suture sites were all closed.

The next principle was wound cleaning. Find anything left that could prevent proper healing and deal with it. Mara tried to do that with Nonna and Sam and Bucky. The three of them hovered around her, all dreading the possibility of losing another loved one. She knew her math had been right, and her motives had been pure, but that didn't stop the guilt from kicking her in the chest every time Nonna thanks Saint Anne for protecting her granddaughter. Or Sam muttered something about attracting self-sacrificial crazy people. Or Bucky refused to sleep.

"I am sorry for what I had to do," Mara had tried to explain to each of them in the rare moments they got alone.

"I know you did what you thought was best," Nonna had assured her, patting her hand and kissing her cheek.

"I'm just glad that you're okay," Sam had admitted, giving her an awkward half-hug to prevent rubbing against her still tender skin.

"We don't have to talk about it," Bucky had said with a small frown.

Her physical wounds dealt with; Mara turned her focus onto the mental ones. Analgesia was the next principle of wound care. The inability to feel the emotional pain associated with a near death experience took more than three days to develop, she knew that. The drugs they pumped into her worked wonders for her waking anxieties and fears. But at night they plunged her deeper into darkness, forcing her to face men and chairs made of metal. Mara suspected that if she hadn't been on systemic analgesics, she would have been waking up in the middle of the night screaming. She considered asking for a lower dosage, but they helped her to retain some sense of control when she closed her eyes and plunged back into sleep. At least with the drugs she knew the others would never watch her deal with the pain. That was the least she could give them after all the other pain she had just put them through.

After numbness came closure. The sealing shut of what should not have been opened in the first place. Sam was the first to give it to Mara. He came into the hospital room on day two of her stay and handed her a pile of Stark Tech owner's manuals for the two dozen new locks he'd installed in their apartment along with the promise that if she ever needed him he would be there as fast as his wings could fly. Nearly losing another friend had upset him, but with these upgrades came the comfort and security they both needed to move on. He told her so, the emotionally intelligent dear.

Nonna also found closure quickly, as she always did. A few tearful "praise God's" and smuggled Tupperwares of chicken soup was all it took to get her to breathe easy when Mara was out of sight. She even went home on the third night of Mara's stay, grumbling about old bones and uncomfortable couches.

Bucky, however, was either unwilling or unable to find closure. Every time Mara attempted to explain to him why she had done what she had done, or apologize to him for the stress she had put him under, he'd shut down the conversation. In fact, Mara trying to talk to Bucky about his feelings became the only reason he ever left her side. But he came back every time. So she let the conversations end awkwardly. Let the silence stretch between them. Because he wasn't ready for the conversation. And if she had any interest in being honest with herself, she was not ready for it either. Nonna and Sam hadn't had to watch as she nearly died. Hadn't had to give her CPR while begging her to wake up. But Bucky had. And Mara knew all too well the wounds that left on someone. Knew there was no cleaning or closure that could take away those memories. Memories she had forced him to make when she chose to kill herself in front of him. Her sacrifice had been for his sake. But she knew what she had made him give up alongside her. And whether or not she could admit it to herself, she could not bear to hear him tell her about it.