difficult // taegyu

sixteenth chapter

"Beomie, do you want to go out?", I ask the male sitting next to me on the couch, while cuddling with him. "Like on a date?", he asks and looks at me with wide eyes.

"Whatever you wanna call it." I respond calmly. I don't know if he's comfortable with calling it a 'date' so I leave the choice on his side.

He slowly nods, but didn't respond. He is overthinking again; I can see right through him. "Let's just enjoy ourselves, panda." It's already a habit to call him like that.

He seems really happy and also relieved, so I am happy too.

During the last days I thought much about the boy next to me and I don't really know what I am feeling, but I like it and I want to discover these feelings more. And I need the help of Beomgyu for that. I accepted that I like him in a special way, which doesn't have to be bad. Even though some people might think it is, but it isn't. When it makes us happy, it can't be that wrong, right?

Funny how the attitude of a person can change in just a few days. But sometimes you just need the right person to help you waking up. And maybe, just maybe I found that person already. It's hard for me to be an actor all the time and by his side, I don't have to pretend. It's a relieve and it makes me happy. Whenever I see him smile, it makes me happy. Whenever he hugs me, it makes me happy. And I didn't even told how my heart starts to beat every time I see him.

I don't know what this it, it's difficult.

"Taeeee, are you ready? Where are we going?" Beomgyu whines, already in his jacket. He looks great right now, with his basic but carefully picked outfit, standing there with excited eyes and a beautiful smile on his face.

"Wherever you want. It's all on me, so feel free." I say, as I come closer. "B- but-", he wants to complain but I just shake my head making him stop.

I grab his hand. "Let's go".

While we are walking, we chat about everything that comes to our mind. Okay, he was chatting all along, but to my defense: I just can't concentrate on his words, when he is this beautiful.

Damn, why do I think this way?

We are walking along the beach, all people around us minding their own business. It feels almost like we're alone. And it's beautiful. The sun is almost sinking so the atmosphere gets really warm, and, in a way, everything is satisfied. Everyone is happy, and so are we.

"What do you wanna do?" I ask Beomgyu for the second time today, as he went silent for a second.

"I don't know" he mumbles shyly. "You know, you can just say, what's on your mind, it's okay..." I tell him while walking.

Our eyes are focused of the beach in front of when we slowly see something tower up behind the hills of sand. At first, I can't figure out what it is, but as we get closer, we see an amusement park soaked in light red lights standing their proudly. It nicely welcomes us; it seems like it is made for us.

"Wow" I hear Beomgyus voice, and I turn around to see him staring in awe. Without thinking twice, I lead our way to the amusement park.

Honestly, such parks aren't my favorite places. I'm afraid of heights. You know it's nothing bad to have phobias, right? It's not a big deal, I'm just not the best company for this kind of stuff. But I have fun. Beomgyu made it all fun.

At first, I bought him cotton candy and from time to time I would steal bites, just to tease him and get to see his flashing smile. Then we rode little roller coasters. It wasn't as bad as I thought. According to Beomgyu I was pale, and he wouldn't stop teasing me about it and even though I reacted annoyed, I totally wasn't. I was happy, I was amused and enjoyed the time here.

But one thing bothers me. People keep staring at us. Since it's evening; this is the official date time. Around us are only couples. And that is nothing bad, but they keep staring at us. You know why? Because we are two boys. Like what do you want? It would bother me even when I was here with Soobin, because why do people have to be like this? Why do they care? Why is it so hard to see a human as a human? Why do we want to categorize them as soon as we see them? Why can't we just accept the fact that they are individuals? It doesn't matter what gender or sexuality we are. We are human. Shouldn't be that the only thing that matters?

I hate this kind of thinking. Like, what is this glaring about? Don't tell me with your eyes that I am weird or disgusting, because I know I'm not. I hate that I constantly feel these glares and I want to safe Beomgyu from these, who doesn't see, bothered at all. Doesn't he notices the happening bullshit?

Right now, we're standing in front of a booth to get something to drink. The male who is serving us, looks at us emotionless the whole time. Sighing annoyed, I ask "Something wrong?". Taken a back the man shakes his head and gets back to his work, like he should, because we are waiting since a few minutes. No wonder when he still keeps glancing at us instead of preparing our drinks.

While handing us the drinks h looks me in the eyes, "Enjoy your date". Something about this sentence makes me want to hit him. He said it with such a disgusted and passive aggressive tone, that my blood starts boiling. Without hesitating, I answer: "Don't worry, we will have a lot of fun tonight." I wink at him, while smiling sheepishly and pull Beomgyu closer to go away with him. Our backs facing the man, so I wouldn't see his angry expression.

"S-so this is r-really a date?", Beomgyu asks. Wow he is flustered again.

I take his hand, "You already knew, baby." The pet name rolls over my tongue so naturally. It's nothing I wouldn't want to say, but I've never intended to say it.

He looks me in the eyes, his ones are wide in shock. And I admire his face once again. I can't get enough from him and I hate it and at the same time I like it. I like how everything feelsso natural, so real. And exactly now, right here I feel the desire to tell him it all, my confusion, my feelings, my request.

In the center of the park, surrounded by people, couples in love. The voices and noises are mixed up to a song full of love and passion, conjuring me to tell him. So, I do it. We lock eyes. He doesn't know what I want to tell him, but he surely recognizes my change of behavior the last hours. He is curious and I will fulfill his silent wish to explain it.

"I guess, I need to explain some things. There are more reasons, why I took you out on a date today, than you might expect. Of course, I wanted you to cheer up, to distract you from the problems that are going on right now. But it was also something I just wanted to do. And yes, I want to call it a date. I can't explain it because I'm still confused. It's so difficult, everything is so difficult, but I know something for sure. Even though people might not like it and maybe you find it weird too, but I hope you don't, I-", I squeeze his hand, making him look in my eyes again, because his gaze had fallen on the ground, "I like you. In a different way than anyone else. You're special. I knew it from the first moment I saw you. You made me blush. I'm still embarrassed, but it's been ages since someone was able to do that. You have an immense effect on me. I would tell you honest things, open up to you and show you my real self. It's like I must make sure you're safe and I want to be there for you and with you all the time. Next to you the world doesn't seem as dark as I thought it is. In the short of time, we know each other you made me realize that I need you. I want to figure out what I'm feeling, and I know it's no friendship. I want more with you. I want you. I want you to be mine."

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helloooo, I'm back! How are you all?

Do you like the chapter? what do you think will happen next? Will Beomgyu react in a way that Taehyun wants?

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