difficult // taegyu

nineteenth chapter

Taehyun and I are running.

This is all that I know.

I don't know where we are or where we are running to. Neither do I know if I want that, running away with Taehyun.

Suddenly he stops.

I can't see anything. Everything is dark, even though my eyes are wide open. Why can't I see anything? I can't breathe. My whole world isn't on their right place. Everything falls apart. I feel like falling, but I can feel my feeds on the ground. Starting to sweat, I feel something warm placed on my back. I hear a soft voice, speaking to me. I can't focus. My head is spinning, and tears start to fall down on my cheeks. I get no air. My heart will be exploding any second. I can't do anything. I have to run again. But I can't. My legs can't even hold myself now, but strangely I'm not on the ground yet.

I can't concentrate, all these thoughts spinning in my head like a tornado.

There is this voice again. I don't know why, but something inside me tells me to focus on this sound.

It's soft.

It's comforting.

It's healing.

Slowly, as if the time has no control over my world, I can start to see things around me. I still can feel my heart pounding like crazy, feel my unstable breath and know that I can't stay alone, but I see something familiar. There is a little house, white with a garden around. Everything seems so familiar. And there is still this voice. I don't know what it tells me, but I know I want more.

The world slowly become colorful again. Nothing seems out of place, but I still don't know a thing.

I turn around to see the source of this angelic voice.

There is this brown again. I love this brown. This gold sprinkled brown is my favorite color since a few days. I could recognize it everywhere.  And I know exactly who it belongs to.

Tae.

My Tae.

"Beomgyu, panda. Everything is alright. I got you. You are safe. It's fine. I got you." Repeats Tae again and again.

I close my eyes, happy that he's here.

I smell his scent. Something between vanilla and mint. Of course, this will be my favorite scent for now.
His pretty lips turn into a small smile, and he hugs me tight. Very tight. Still afraid that I'm not able to stand by myself. To be honest I'm not sure myself, but after a few seconds we detach from each other.

The hug hurts, especially my ribs. I still can feel that one hard punch. My boyfriend looks me in the eyes and engulf me into another hug.

We stand there for a few minutes, till I have some of my power back.

I still feel weak, but I know I'm safe.

Everything hurts, but it's better now.

I don't want to talk, but he'll understand me.

Without disconnecting our hands, we make our way to the dorm of Tae, Soobin and Yeonjun.

What will they say? Will they even notice me? Actually, I don't want to face them now. I just want to rest, in Taes arms.

And this is exactly what we do.

So here I am, laying in this bed again. Again, with teary eyes. Again, exhausted. And again, with him not leaving my side.

I don't want to face him, don't talk to him, so my back faces him. Instead of complaining he started to draw comforting circles on my back a while ago.

But, as I knew, then comes the time when he softly speaks: "What happened earlier? Why didn't you respond to any of my messages? I was so worried." There was no reproach in his voice, only concern and honesty.

He wants me to tell him. I know it. But I know he doesn't want to hear what is real, cause the reality isn't nice... especially for him.

"Uh-uhh nothing, I was just-" He cuts me off, bevore I can create some stupid excuse.

"No, I don't want to hear that. I don't want to hear a lie. You told me to be honest and I want you to be the same." I can almost hear the cold but worried glare in his eyes as he spoke.

I have to tell him. He has the right to know. So I begin, at the very beginning:

"Okay, well, you know that my parents own this big company, right? And I already told you the basic story with my b-brother. But What you may not know is, that my parents want me to be the new CEO of the Choi's. I-I will be the face, the representative and the boss." I go silent, finally find the courage to turn around. We lock eyes.

He deserves to know the truth.

"I don't only hate this, because it's not my choice, but because I have to live by certain rules. Everything in my life will be fake, just for the society to accept me and hopefully love me. And they want the change as soon as possible. They want to be free, which leaves me prisoned." I take a deep breath.

This will hurt. When I say this out loud, we both will be hurt.

"They will plan my whole life before they rest. They will decide whatever I do, and with who. They will decide with whom I spend my twilight years. Who I will marry." I look at him. His eyes are a mirror of my sadness. My voice is only a whisper by now. "And in this country, in this world, it will never be you." My voice cracks and I have to hold myself back to not being a sobbing mess again.

We both know, that it's not my view of the things. It's a fact. In this materialistic, selfish world, everyone has a place, where they are placed. And my Parents will place me far away from Tae. They will make sure to search for a pretty, young woman to be my wife. In their point of view, there is no space for a gay boy, living a normal life and be the CEO of a company.

A tear escapes my eye.

"Even my brother, who was gay too, had to promise them to break up with his boyfriend as soon as he would take their place. They will never allow me th-this w-with you-" He hugs me, suddenly, but if he wanted to hide his tears with this action, he failed.

I hate this world.

I hate my parents.

I hate everything.

But I love Tae.

He won't stop hugging me, as if he could hold everything together with that, as if he could save us from our destiny.  But we both know it's impossible, and it breaks us both.

We fell, and we fell hard. For each other. And now... now we arrived at the hard, uncomfortable ground with a hurtful landing.

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