difficult // taegyu

eighteenth chapter

A few days passed. They were wonderful. It seems like Beomgyu and I got even closer.

My Beomgyu.

My panda.

Everything was perfect.

But right now, I'm sitting here, alone in my bed, rethinking my life decisions.

It feels like my Gyu is drifting apart and I don't know why. It hurts. Especially because I thought we were the closest shortly before, but I guess I was wrong.

Who am I to think I would deserve someone as perfect as him? I'm not worth to feel this... love? I don't even know if it's love yet, but I definitely know I don't deserve him.

But wasn't he enjoying it too? I mean an angel like him wouldn't disappear because of nothing, right? His brother still meets up with Yeonbin, and he told me Hyung is alright, but still...

Something must've happened. I only have two days left here, so I must fix everything. Like right now. But how? He is ignoring my texts and calls since yesterday evening. And this makes me feel so, so empty again.

Sighing, I turn my face to the window again. The same window that showed me my broken self a few days before, shows me now a bright world. The sun already started to go up to welcome the world. Like everything will be okay, but I know it's not.

Something is up. The world isn't as bright as it seems through this window.

It's horrible, frightful, and cold. Everything should be dark and sad, like I am right now.

Again.

Everything was so bright with Beomgyu. Why do I have to feel like this all over again? I was doing good, and now I'm back to my old self again.

I have to stop it. I am strong, right? Strong ones fight.

Smiling bitterly, this reminds me of a situation at the beach, where Beomgyu and I were just walking together.

The sun is shining bright, but nobody is here. It almost seems like Beomgyu and I are the only people in this worlds. And surely, we are the only ones matter right now.

Since yesterday we are boyfriends. Not friends. No. There is a boy added. And I am so fucking happy. Beomgyus smile, whenever I call him pet names, boyfriend or claim him as mine would send me to heaven every time.

We are just enjoying the moment when Beomgyu suddenly starts to speak up.

"You know, I want to tell you something. Since we are b-boyfriends...", still not used to the word he blushed, and I almost pinched his cheeks because he looks so adorable like this. But I did not and let him continue, "I want to tell you this. And please don't understand it wrong. I- I like you very much. Like unbelievable much." Going quieter with every word and let his eyes sink to the ground, he then goes on with more confidence, "And I know you're strong. But please don't act like you are okay when you are not. You are strong. But everyone has a limit and I don't want to-to lose somebody again, because they kept everything inside them. Please don't be an actor." He avoids my eyes.

"Okay, I'll keep trying." I say, finally meeting his eyes, as he looks up. He seems like he can't believe I accepted his request just like that. But honestly speaking, I love that he is so honest with me. I felt that something was bothering him and I'm just glad he finally expressed his thoughts.

Not wanting to make him uncomfortable, I change the topic smoothly. Since the sun shines so much behind us, our shadows are the same height as us. Still not familiar with having my one and only next to me and the desire to feel his touch constantly, I slowly say something so cheesy that I will never tell anybody about it. The teasing would be insane.